Facing The New Year

Well, tomorrow will round out the end of our first week of being engaged.

Today I went to Tai Pan Trading with my mother, and while I promised myself I wasn't going to start planning anything until next week (basically just starting the guest list), I suddenly felt the wedding wheels turning, and looking at possibilities for decorations and centerpieces began to make me feel overwhelmed and agitated.  I started sweating, and feeling like I had bitten off a lot more than I could ever chew, and I have a really big mouth.

Long story short, I had a mini freak out in the middle of a wholesale home decor store, and promptly had to leave.

Driving home I felt like I was suffocating as I was navigating through the torrential rain.  Am I ready for this?  Do I want to get married?  Am I sure I'm right about all of this?  How am I going to pull this off?

All valid concerns.  They bubbled up off and on all afternoon.  Finally I just had to take off my ring because it suddenly felt like it weighed a ton.  It's currently sitting right next to my computer.  Mocking me with its adorableness and sparkle.  Sitting there.  A symbol of the man I love's love for me.  A symbol of my future as a wife.  A symbol of.....my loss of control over the situation.

It's shining proof that there is one person in this world who I have not managed to keep at arm's length.  I let him in.  I let him see me for what I am, and now when I'm with him I feel naked.  He's trying to make me feel safe, and I know he loves me, but that insecurity hasn't gone away.  It's still there, and I'm trusting him to protect me.

It's terrifying to feel like this.  Precarious, exposed, daunted.

I'm going to swallow all of this down though.  Starting January 1, I'm going to just plug away, and I'm going to figure this out.  I'm going to start planning my wedding.  Our wedding, and I'm going to do masterfully well.  I will marry the love of my life in May, and we are going to begin our life together.

I just have to tell the little broken girl in my head to shut up and stop worrying.

To 2011.  May I be a much stronger, better me.

Keep it real readers.

Engagement: Week 1

Well, after the initial shock wore off from getting engaged, I started to get really excited.  Christmas morning was awesome, we had aebelskivers (ball-shaped pancake type breakfast food from Scandinavia.  Very delicious.) with bacon and sausage for breakfast, followed by opening gifts in an orderly manner as per usual.

Life was good.  I got new pants, a wedding planning workbook, along with some other things I needed.  It was a good Christmas indeed.  Then, after being unable to sleep all night, I crashed on the couch in front of "A Christmas Story," only to be greeted by some really disturbing dreams.  I woke up a few hours later feeling awful.  I was anxious, still incredulous, scared, excited, sad, and self-conscious all at the same time.  I went in my room to lay down, when suddenly all these feelings started to bubble up physically.  I felt incredibly nauseous.  More than I've ever felt in my entire life.  Being a logical thinker, and not wanting to clean up any sort of disgusting mess later, I meandered down the hall into the bathroom and closed the door.  I then quietly sat down on the edge of the bathtub, leaned over the toilet, and threw up for all I was worth.  Then I realized the gravity of what was happening in my life, and how I felt so lost and unprepared, and I proceeded to heave all over again.

After a few more minutes of dry heaving, I finally decided I was done.  I felt relieved.  I was exhausted, and at that point I couldn't think anymore.  I slept through my family's trip to the movies, and after they returned I joined them for a few bites of food before having to change because I was going out with Skyler to show some of his friends I hadn't met yet A) Who I was, and B) The ring.

I'd never done anything like that before.  Throw up like that.  It was weird indeed.

I felt pretty out of it the next morning, but I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower and got to church a few minutes late.  I managed to show off my ring to as many friends as I could before I decided it was time to go home.

Monday was considerably better.  I got to go back to work and show my coworkers and customers my sparkly Christmas gift, which made me feel excited all over again.

I'm still excited.  It's just going to be an interesting next few months.

You know I'll keep you posted.

But in the meantime readers, keep it real.

Wow, What A Christmas Eve.

Well readers, this is my 60th blog posting, and what better way to start it off than by letting you all know that

I GOT ENGAGED!

That's right readers.  Skyler asked me to marry him tonight.  I was completely shocked, and for the first time I was rendered speechless.  I couldn't say anything for almost 10 minutes, I just giggled and hyperventilated and nodded yes.

After the excitement died down, I got to go home with my new fiance, where I learned how this whole epic event was kept under wraps from me.

I.  The Permission.

Skyler came to my parents last night while I was at work for two reasons:  To drop off my sparring gear (a gift from my parents for Christmas that I needed for karate), and to ask my parents' permission to marry me.  In exchange, they received 10 cow-related gifts.  So yeah, I'll be a 10 cow wife. :)

II.  The Deception.

While at work, I kept flirting over text with Sky.  At one point I said I wished he could find a new job soon because I didn't know how much longer I could go without being his wife.  To that, he sounded crushed and demoralized.  Feeling dejected, I told him I wouldn't talk about marriage again.

After returning home from work I was greeted to a host of sarcasm from my family, saying how unsociable my boyfriend was, how he only stayed for a few seconds, and how he was not friendly at all.  I told them he must have been under some sort of stress because that didn't sound like him at all.

III.  The Suspense.

Sky was excited for Christmas.  His Facebook profile said so.  I mentioned that this Christmas was going to be better than usual, to which he replied with an angst-ridden "Why do you say that?"  Perplexed, I merely mentioned he had a sweet somebody to cuddle this year as opposed to previous years, and he seemed to return to his normal self at that answer.

We both had to work, but we got off at the same time and met at his grandmother's house for dinner and gifts.    After which I headed home to drop off my car and change my clothes, and he picked me up shortly thereafter.

IV.  The Prestige.

We stopped at a house near one of our friend's homes to see a house that had been fabulously decorated for the holiday before heading to his house for more presents and fun with his family.  We drove up, hopped out of the car, and headed in.  Oddly enough, he yelled "Hello?" upon entering, but I didn't think anything of it.

We headed down the stairs and into the family room where they had all the gifts under the tree, and we started talking and carrying on until Sky's sister and her family finally joined us, and we started opening presents.  I got a robe from Sky's parents, a jacket and an amazing DC Comics history book from Sky, some body spray from Sky's sister, a necklace from Sky's other sister, an Optimus Prime action figure from my future niece and nephew, and finally, another Optimus Prime action figure that actually transformed.  Upon receiving that last present, he snatched it out of my hands, announcing he wanted to play with it.

*Side note:  There is a running joke between Skyler and I that if Optimus Prime were real, I would run away with him.  I have a huge robo-crush on him.

V.  The Event.

After fumbling with it for a few minutes, he started wondering what was wrong with it that it wouldn't transform.  Finally he said, "Oh, there's something caught in it."  With that, I watched him pull something shiny out from its chest, grab my hand with his shaking one, and slide a ring on my finger.  "Karen Curl, will you marry me?" he said with a huge grin on his face.

I'm pretty sure my heart stopped beating for a second.  I couldn't breathe.  Everything went blurry.  I just started gasping for air.  Then I started to giggle awkwardly between gasps.  Completely at a loss for words, I nodded and hugged Skyler, and everyone told me to turn around, where I was met by my entire family.

The gasping and giggling continued for a little while longer while I tried to compose myself and wipe away a tear as I hugged my parents.

It's official.  He's going to marry me. :)

I'm so happy.  I can safely say this is the best Christmas Eve ever.

Keep it real readers.

Love Changes Everything.

Tonight Sky told me someone gave him props for dating me, and that he's a lucky guy for getting the funniest girl in the singles' ward.  I have to admit that made me laugh a little, and furthermore, blush to four shades of red.  I don't usually hear compliments said about me behind my back, and I have to admit it was nice to hear.

What people don't realize is that I started being funny when I was about 11 because I thought I was ugly, and I thought if I couldn't be pretty, I was going to be funny so that people would like me.  Maybe part of me still feels that way, because now I can't really break the habit, and frankly it's easier to laugh than it is to actually have a serious moment.  In fact, if I could, I would make a joke about every sad, bad, or serious thing on the planet to avoid actually feeling the gravity of the subject.

Oh the irony of my life.

I find myself in a new place in my life.  For the better part of my life, I've been two completely different people simultaneously.  There's who I am in public and around people, and then there's who I am when I'm alone.  My public version of myself was upbeat and silly and loud and funny.  It was my single greatest illusion I've ever constructed, because the contrasting version of me was far too shameful.  I was horribly depressed. I cried in my room, I was withdrawn, unhappy, and empty inside.  I never wanted anyone to know that about me.

It wasn't until I was 21 and living in Cedar that someone saw me for who I was, and expressed her concern to a friend of mine.  She saw the deadness in my eyes and heard the forced laughter, and I realized when I couldn't get out of bed anymore to face the world that something had to change.  I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually seen colors, or moreso, the last time I had been happy.

So, I sought a medical intervention.  Four days later I was seeing colors again, and I actually felt OK with who I was.  I still felt minor hollowness inside of myself, but that came from keeping so many people at a distance for so long.

I struggled with letting people in for a long time, trying to overcome these fears I had, and I finally let someone in.  I'll leave you to draw that conclusion.  Just know that ever since the day I told him I trusted him, and I let that wall come down, I feel like an entirely different person.

The dichotomy between public and private me has become more and more narrow.  Public me is starting to chill out a little bit.  I've become more warm and sincere.  I'm finding that I actually have compassion and empathy for my fellow man.  More importantly, private me isn't sad anymore.  Private me smiles for no reason.  I feel hopeful and content.  I like who I see when I look in the mirror.  I don't let my lack of confidence get in my way of what I want to do anymore.  I can walk with my head held high and almost mean it now.  That's partially because having the love of someone who loves everything about me makes me realize that I am, in fact, someone worth loving.  I'm actually enough.

It's true what they say.  Love changes everything.

That makes me so happy.  That abiding, deep, brings-tears-to-your-eyes-because-you-can't-stop-smiling-happy.  Some people call it joy.

Keep it real readers.

Coins In The River

About a month ago, a few friends and I ventured out late on a Thursday night and made wishes on pennies and threw them in the Virgin River off of the La Verkin bridge.  I made seven wishes.

I'm not a superstitious person, and I rarely think wishes come true.  That being said, for kicks I like to tie my straw wrappers in knots while making wishes, if I'm around a clock at 11:11 I sometimes will close my eyes and make a wish, and even the occasional shooting star will stir up that childlike wonder that will cause me to make a wish as well.

I've never been one to believe in them, but one finds it hard to part with tradition.

I'll revisit this subject later.

Last night was my last choir concert for a while.  I'm not taking choir next semester, and I don't plan to take it again for at least a few semesters.  It's high time I focus on my chosen major, and get finished with my education.  Back to last night, it was a long road to get to that blasted concert.

I had to work that day, and I was scheduled to close.  However, my pleeb (sales associate for me to manage) was also a sales lead, and was fully capable of taking over managerial duties for the evening so I could find another associate to cover the end of my shift.  I had little trouble finding a substitute, and I thought everything would be smooth sailing.  NOT SO READERS!  My sales associate-turned-manager called in the morning of my concert, declaring she had pneumonia, and was unable to come in to work.  This woman gets sick constantly.  Seriously.  She needs to take a multivitamin or probiotic cultures or something and build up that immune system.  When I heard this dreadful news, at first I was feeling disappointed, but resigned to the unpleasant truth because Sky was going to be at black belt training and frankly, I just didn't feel prepared for the concert anyway.

Then I found out he didn't go.  He decided to stay to see my concert and take me to an institute dance after.

The scramble was on.  I had to find another replacement, and fast.  Luckily, my wonderful friend/secret lover/coworker stepped in and saved the day.  She covered the end of my shift so I could get pretty, go to my concert, rock the world, and dance the night away.  She's amazing.

The night ended up being wonderful.  My hair was rocking a fabulous ponytail with mod bangs, my eyeliner was perfect, and I was with the love of my life, who I found out loves me more than karate.  I know that's a silly thing to wonder about, but there have been times where I felt number 2 on his important scale behind karate.  But I'm not number 2!  That literally makes me breathe a sigh of relief.

The night ended parked in front of his house, where he kissed me until I was dizzy.  He had never done that before, so I was pretty impressed.  He bid me goodnight and told me he loved me, and I ran two stop signs on the way home.  Not my finest moment, but I didn't care.  I was floating on a cloud made out of sunshine and hugs and unicorns.

I can't wait to be his wife.  I don't think I've ever openly admitted that about anyone before, but it's true.  He's so good for me.  He keeps me on my toes, he calls me out on my crap, he doesn't let me get away with anything, and on top of it all, I've never been with anyone who has loved me so much for who I am.  Someone who has worked so hard to earn my love and trust, who makes me laugh every day, who wants to be weird with me, who never makes me cry (like he could), who believes in me to succeed.  I didn't know love could be like this.  I never viewed myself as missing something in my life until he came along, and filled voids I didn't even know I had.

Now, going back to the coins in the river, five of the seven wishes I made that night came true.  The rest would take place too far in the future to tell whether or not they will come true.  Those are some pretty awesome odds.

I think I need to go back to that river.  I have a really important wish to make.

Keep it real readers.

Funny How Things Work Out

I found out today that when Skyler first met me, he hated me.

He found me annoying, abrasive, loud, self-involved, and all-around unpleasant.  When I would get up to speak in church he would roll his eyes and think, "Oh man, not her."  In fact, the night we happened to go with the same group of friends to the movies and I changed my mind about him, he groaned on the inside, bemoaning the fact he couldn't sit next to my friend, and instead had to sit by me.

Funny how things work out, eh?

To be fair, when I first met him, he was a far cry from my prince charming.  I found him dull, but tried very hard to impress girls, and from my past experiences with those in his family and with his closest friends, I figured him to be a corny, slow-witted, and very, very close-minded person.

Again, funny how things work out.  He's crazy in love with me, and I can't imagine spending at least the rest of my life with anyone else.  We've spent the last month (almost) looking at engagement rings and talking about our future and discussing beverage choices and photographers.

I have to go back to the oral surgeon's office tomorrow after class to have my packing pulled out from my sockets.  I'm terrified of being in pain again.  I never want to feel that again!  That's right, I'm going back to school tomorrow.  I'm excited to go back, and get back in my normal routine.  I just hope that the oral surgeon isn't too traumatic so I can also go back to karate.  I have a long way to go before I'll be ready for my belt test next month, and I can't afford to miss class anymore.

I haven't e-mailed my grandmother yet about her wedding dress.  I'm debating whether or not I should wait until we're officially engaged, or if I should just get it now.  It has to ship from Northern California so it should take a week to get here, plus she'll be sending us a package in a few weeks, so it could be an excellent "two birds, one stone" situation.

I should just ask for it now, shouldn't I?

Anyway, keep it real readers.

Preparations For Coming Attractions

Well readers, I got dry socket.

It's a common complication involved with healing from wisdom teeth extraction, so it wasn't out of the blue.  It's surprising how much pain a little hole can cause.  In my case it was two little holes.  Actually four, but only two of them are dry socket.

What does this mean?  It means I slept and when I wasn't sleeping I was overmedicating, and when I wasn't doing either of those, I was whimpering in excruciating pain.

Awesome right?

So my mother called my oral surgeon's office, which connected to his emergency line (AKA his cell phone), which led to him meeting us at his office, where he rinsed out my wounds and stuffed them with medicated packing that tastes like cloves.  I've certainly tasted worse things.  haha.

Anyway, I feel about 15 million times better now than I felt a few hours ago.  I have to go back in and have the packing pulled out on Monday, but I can deal with that.

In other news, I'm e-mailing my grandmother to see if she can send me her wedding dress.  I mean, we're not engaged yet, but if using her dress is a possibility, I'll need to look at it and decide if I need to make any alterations to it.

I love Sky. :)

Keep it real readers.

Recovery

Well readers, as most of you know, I'm currently recuperating from wisdom teeth extraction surgery.  All four in one fell swoop, because I'm hardcore like that.  According to my mother, I was in surgery for a whole 15 minutes.  Not too shabby.  All I remember is feeling tired, and next thing I know I hear voices from a million miles away telling me to take deep breaths and walk with my eyes closed.

When I woke up, I was completely numb from my eyebrows to my tonsils.  Everything was foggy and strange, and then suddenly I was very alert, and I tried to get up.  I made it all the way to the car with minimal problems, then I slept all the way to Wal-Mart, where I insisted I wanted to go in and shop.  I lasted about 15 minutes, and I felt my knees get weaker and weaker until I had to go back to the car.

I slept the rest of the day on my bed, fully clothed, only being woken up every few hours by my mother so that I would eat or take more meds.  I finally had some lucidity where I pounded some refried beans, which tasted amazing, then I was back to sleep for the night.

The next morning I was awoken by my severe mouth pain.  I stumbled into the kitchen to take my Lodine to take the edge off, and a few hours later I got a perc from my mom.  Rich finally went to fill my Lortab prescription, and after I took one of those, I checked out for about four hours only to wake up to answer the occasional text message.  Finally, I'd wake up, eat, take more Lortab, and I'd be out all over again.  It was pretty amazing.

I finally achieved my evening lucidity and decided to take a walk to get some fresh air, which was a poor decision because my teeth started chattering, and that hurt like hell, so I ran back to my house to warm up.  Just as I was about to give up altogether on trying to do anything and pull on my pajamas, there was a knock at the door.

It was Sky.  I don't remember the last time I felt so relieved to see someone in my life.  I noticed his hair was starting to get a little long and began to curl on the ends, which I find so amazingly cute if I wasn't in a medicine haze I would have been all over him.  He brought me my favorite flavor of candy cane, which is really hard to consume when you're not allowed to suck on anything, so I enjoyed licking it.  I ate about a third of it and left the rest of it on the counter to try again with later.

We talked for a while, but he had to go home and go to bed.  He gave me a sweet little peck before leaving, and finally, all was right with the world.

I'm totally falling asleep as I'm typing right now.  I'm on a lot of drugs.

Keep it real readers.