OK readers, I admit it has been FAR too long since I last posted. (Cringe for impact of rotten fruit) But life has been, in a word, nuts.
Let me catch you up since the last post.
First of all, the tournament in Phoenix was really great, and I took two bronze. Go me! Sky took two bronze and a silver. Go babe! One of Sky's black belts took Junior Grand Champion, which basically means she was the best competitor under 18. She's freakin' amazing to watch. Go Kelsy!
The house we were supposed to move into dissolved before our eyes. The landlords disappeared, as did their "For Rent" sign. The house still sits empty. We found an amazing townhouse right by the college later that month, and it turned out to be income-based, and well, we made barely too much money. Then we found a house by Quail Lake that seemed great. Good space, decent location, slightly more expensive than we initially planned, but still doable. We were supposed to move in November15th. Then the 20th. Then, for sure the tenants were going to be moved out and the carpets would be cleaned by the 27th. Well, then they officially said December 3rd. When the 27th rolled around and we still hadn't moved, it was time to do some serious thinking. Was this worth our time and all our money that would be folded into utility deposits and first month's rent and security deposit? Was it? Right before Christmas? Well, as we pondered this together, and included a little guidance from the Big Guy Upstairs, we began feeling worse and worse about the situation, so we called the landlord, and politely and apologetically let her know our decision.
So we are spending Christmas in the Gubler basement. We will find our perfect place shortly after the new year, and hopefully in a little less debt. I was almost devastated at first, but as the decision has sunk in and I've been working through everything with Sky, I'm feeling better about it all the time. There is some reason why we still have to be here, and I guess I'm still learning what it is.
Happy side note, Sky and I will be married seven months on the 13th, and we are still not pregnant. *Happy Dance!*
Other than that, and school basically sucking the life out of me, life is pretty good for ol' Mrs. Goob. I love Sky more and more every day, he makes me laugh all the time, and I'm really enjoying work right now. In spite of everything, I still manage to find my happiness. Granted, I have my gloomy days, but all in all I'm happy. I got my best friend and partner in crime at my side, and together we can do anything. :-)
Keep it real readers.
The random, often far-too-honest ramblings of everyone's favorite "chicken".
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
So Much...
Well readers, next weekend Sky and I are travelling down to Phoenix for a region karate championship, which I am super excited for, and at the same time I'm super nervous. I've never competed in anything like this before and I'm freaking out just a little. :-p Sky has complete faith in me though, and if he has faith in me then I must not be nearly as mediocre as I think I am.
We're still figuring out the particulars of the trip, but hopefully that will all be ironed out this week.
The weekend after that we are hoping to finally move into OUR OWN PLACE!!! We found this adorable little house by the temple, and the landlords seem really nice. It's not going to be anything fancy, and it has a few interesting little quirks, but it will be ours, and that makes it perfect. Right now we are just busting our tails to save up the deposit and rent for the first month.
With all this extra working, we have hardly gotten to see each other, and the few minutes we do, we are usually doing something like seeing a piece of furniture that someone has for sale or seeing a few friends we haven't seen in a while, or he's sleeping. I miss him so much it's insane. I think I'm going to finally bite the bullet and go to Biolife and sell some plasma. Getting stuck with a needle to take some pressure off of Sky is worth it. I've scheduled an appointment, and I'm scared out of my mind, but hundreds if not thousands of people are doing it every week, so it must not be all bad. I haven't told Sky yet because if I don't go through with it he will be disappointed. Again.
I'm just trying to man up a little for the next few months. They are going to be tough and I have to be brave.
Keep it real readers.
We're still figuring out the particulars of the trip, but hopefully that will all be ironed out this week.
The weekend after that we are hoping to finally move into OUR OWN PLACE!!! We found this adorable little house by the temple, and the landlords seem really nice. It's not going to be anything fancy, and it has a few interesting little quirks, but it will be ours, and that makes it perfect. Right now we are just busting our tails to save up the deposit and rent for the first month.
With all this extra working, we have hardly gotten to see each other, and the few minutes we do, we are usually doing something like seeing a piece of furniture that someone has for sale or seeing a few friends we haven't seen in a while, or he's sleeping. I miss him so much it's insane. I think I'm going to finally bite the bullet and go to Biolife and sell some plasma. Getting stuck with a needle to take some pressure off of Sky is worth it. I've scheduled an appointment, and I'm scared out of my mind, but hundreds if not thousands of people are doing it every week, so it must not be all bad. I haven't told Sky yet because if I don't go through with it he will be disappointed. Again.
I'm just trying to man up a little for the next few months. They are going to be tough and I have to be brave.
Keep it real readers.
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Surviving...
Well readers, I'm rounding out my third week of school, and so far so good. I fell a little bit behind due to my first cold in almost a year and a half, but I am gallantly making my way back into being on top of my school work. Work is going fine. It makes for a bit of juggling, but it keeps me on my toes, and I appreciate that to be honest. Sky and I had an opportunity to have a whole weekend alone, which was magnificent. I got to make dinner for my husband and be an awesome little wifey. I loved it. Walking all over the house in my undies is awesome. We are apartment hunting later this afternoon, so that little taste I had over the weekend of what married life really could be will be an every day reality. My own kitchen, where I know where everything is. I can't wait! I love cooking and baking.
I love embracing my weirdness. I've really let it hang out since I've been with Sky, and since we've been married it has really been great. He loves me. Even my weirdness. All of it. And I love him and all of his weirdness too. I don't think I have ever been quite this happy in my life. Not even as a kid.
However, I went off of one of my psychotropic medications a few weeks ago. It was the longest week of my life. I got dizzy and paranoid, and I felt so...ugly. Every day was worse than the previous. I finally had to call the pharmacy and get it filled. By the end of the night I felt less dizzy. Two days later I felt calm. Then I felt happy and normal.
I'm so happy for better living through chemistry.
There is no shame in antidepressants.
Keep it real readers.
I love embracing my weirdness. I've really let it hang out since I've been with Sky, and since we've been married it has really been great. He loves me. Even my weirdness. All of it. And I love him and all of his weirdness too. I don't think I have ever been quite this happy in my life. Not even as a kid.
However, I went off of one of my psychotropic medications a few weeks ago. It was the longest week of my life. I got dizzy and paranoid, and I felt so...ugly. Every day was worse than the previous. I finally had to call the pharmacy and get it filled. By the end of the night I felt less dizzy. Two days later I felt calm. Then I felt happy and normal.
I'm so happy for better living through chemistry.
There is no shame in antidepressants.
Keep it real readers.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Last Day of Summer
Well readers, this is my last day of summer. Tomorrow I start my sixth year of college. Yeah. Sixth year. It took me a long time to find my major.
I'm a little excited, but a little nervous.
Marriage is still awesome, and Sky continues to show me every day that he is definitely my perfect match. I love him more now than I did the day we got married. We just get along better and better every day.
Sky's job at Ashley has been guaranteed full time, and that means next month he'll be earning commission on top of his hourly wage. That means we are looking at being able to afford our own apartment. (Happy dance) I can't wait until we have our own space and I get to actually take care of my husband the way I've wanted to all along. Cook for him, have everything exactly the way I want it, not worry about having to be ninja quiet when "the mood" strikes, etc..
In all, life is pretty good. I have a lot to look forward to, and I'm a lucky girl. I have a great husband, and he is my best friend and my partner in crime.
Keep it real readers.
I'm a little excited, but a little nervous.
Marriage is still awesome, and Sky continues to show me every day that he is definitely my perfect match. I love him more now than I did the day we got married. We just get along better and better every day.
Sky's job at Ashley has been guaranteed full time, and that means next month he'll be earning commission on top of his hourly wage. That means we are looking at being able to afford our own apartment. (Happy dance) I can't wait until we have our own space and I get to actually take care of my husband the way I've wanted to all along. Cook for him, have everything exactly the way I want it, not worry about having to be ninja quiet when "the mood" strikes, etc..
In all, life is pretty good. I have a lot to look forward to, and I'm a lucky girl. I have a great husband, and he is my best friend and my partner in crime.
Keep it real readers.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Playing Catch-up
Readers, it has been far too long. Sky and I have been married an awesome two-and-a-half months. We have had our adjustment period, which is an ongoing process, and despite the craziness of blending my life with someone else's, we have had an amazing time. We are blending well, we have our adult conversations about serious stuff, and we spend the rest of our time snuggling and laughing and kissing and just having fun together. We are making a lot of progress financially and we are hoping to get into our own place in September.
Readers, can I just say I highly enjoy marriage. I love having a teammate that I can count on at all times to be on my side, and my best friend lying next to me at night. I love having a husband who has only been with me, and who I have only been with. I look at him every day and know that we gave each other everything, and knowing that makes me so happy.
The only weird part about being married is how your relationships with your friends change. Then there are the "Holy crap I'm married!" moments. Those are cool though. It's an amazing feeling of incredulousness and happiness and awe. I look down at my hand and see my ring and feel this whole "whoa" feeling.
I am so happy. :-) I have a built-in date to everything now, and he's someone I get to go home with every night, and never have to say goodbye to.
Keep it real readers. Don't forget to be awesome. :-)
Readers, can I just say I highly enjoy marriage. I love having a teammate that I can count on at all times to be on my side, and my best friend lying next to me at night. I love having a husband who has only been with me, and who I have only been with. I look at him every day and know that we gave each other everything, and knowing that makes me so happy.
The only weird part about being married is how your relationships with your friends change. Then there are the "Holy crap I'm married!" moments. Those are cool though. It's an amazing feeling of incredulousness and happiness and awe. I look down at my hand and see my ring and feel this whole "whoa" feeling.
I am so happy. :-) I have a built-in date to everything now, and he's someone I get to go home with every night, and never have to say goodbye to.
Keep it real readers. Don't forget to be awesome. :-)
Friday, June 17, 2011
A Time Of Adjustment
Well readers, it's been a little over a month since I became Karen Gubler, and it's been quite a ride. A lot of adjustments for sure. Sky has been amazing, and he's been working so hard so we can get on our feet and get out on our own. I'm trying everything I can to help out, pulling extra hours at work, looking into selling my bodily fluids (i.e. Plasma), and when I'm home I keep up on laundry and keeping our little place clean so that at very least he will keep having clean clothes and a comfortable place to sleep during the few moments he is actually home.
I've been looking for another job to either replace or supplement my current job so that I can make more money so he doesn't have to work as hard. If we both worked 40-50 hours a week instead of me working 20-30 and him working 60-70, I think he would feel like I really was doing my part to help us. If I got a better-paying job that would be even more income then we could feel a little bit better about our situation.
Other than our financial situation, Sky and my relationship has gotten so much closer. I love him more now than I ever thought I could. I'm so happy he's the only one. We've given everything of ourselves to each other, and I wouldn't have it any other way. That being said, we're adjusting to our changing relationships with our families as we create our own. It hasn't been easy for me. Living directly under his parents makes it hard when you are trying to start a life together, but luckily our stay here is temporary.
Luckily we have a lot of love for each other, and when we're together we are pretty awesome.
I love being his wife and having him with me forever.
Keep it real readers.
I've been looking for another job to either replace or supplement my current job so that I can make more money so he doesn't have to work as hard. If we both worked 40-50 hours a week instead of me working 20-30 and him working 60-70, I think he would feel like I really was doing my part to help us. If I got a better-paying job that would be even more income then we could feel a little bit better about our situation.
Other than our financial situation, Sky and my relationship has gotten so much closer. I love him more now than I ever thought I could. I'm so happy he's the only one. We've given everything of ourselves to each other, and I wouldn't have it any other way. That being said, we're adjusting to our changing relationships with our families as we create our own. It hasn't been easy for me. Living directly under his parents makes it hard when you are trying to start a life together, but luckily our stay here is temporary.
Luckily we have a lot of love for each other, and when we're together we are pretty awesome.
I love being his wife and having him with me forever.
Keep it real readers.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Married Two Weeks
Well readers, it's been a while since my last post. Let me just bring you up to speed on what's been going on in my life. First of all, I GOT MARRIED! Our sealing was beautiful, and after lots of pictures we finally got to see our hotel room for the night. After laying on the bed and staring at the ceiling for about 20 minutes, we had to head out to La Verkin for a big family dinner.
Our first act as a married couple? Changing in front of each other. It was pretty intense. After that we ate, then we went back to his place where he did homework and I took a nap on our bed.
Later that night we headed back to our hotel, and spent our first night together. I'm not going to go into detail, but I will tell you that any sense of body shame or awkwardness I thought I'd feel I didn't feel at all. I was with my best friend and the love of my life, and that day he became my husband. I had no reason to be ashamed of anything. It was a beautiful night.
The next day was our reception. It was magnificent. Everything went almost perfectly, and I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful event. That night we headed to Vegas for our honeymoon.
It was a wild five days to say the least. We stayed at Circus Circus, which in and of itself was interesting. Every day we saw and did as much as we could, and we crawled into bed every night exhausted. We had lots of fun together, and all I kept thinking every time I looked at him was, "Wow, he's mine. We're together forever. No matter what happens we're going to be together." All that fear I had before we were married of losing him, or him losing me was gone, because now we're married. He'll always be with me, even if something happened to him and he couldn't be with me physically. That knowledge moves me to tears even now as I'm typing this.
Married life so far has been so amazing. Waking up next to my best friend, cuddling up to him, being with him all the time, making love to him, planning budgets and organizing our little place and dreaming about our future together, all of this is amazing. I love my husband so much! Furthermore, I love calling him my husband! I love changing all of my information over to Karen Gubler, and writing my new signature.
I'm so happy I feel like I might explode.
Keep it real readers. Don't forget to be awesome.
Our first act as a married couple? Changing in front of each other. It was pretty intense. After that we ate, then we went back to his place where he did homework and I took a nap on our bed.
Later that night we headed back to our hotel, and spent our first night together. I'm not going to go into detail, but I will tell you that any sense of body shame or awkwardness I thought I'd feel I didn't feel at all. I was with my best friend and the love of my life, and that day he became my husband. I had no reason to be ashamed of anything. It was a beautiful night.
The next day was our reception. It was magnificent. Everything went almost perfectly, and I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful event. That night we headed to Vegas for our honeymoon.
It was a wild five days to say the least. We stayed at Circus Circus, which in and of itself was interesting. Every day we saw and did as much as we could, and we crawled into bed every night exhausted. We had lots of fun together, and all I kept thinking every time I looked at him was, "Wow, he's mine. We're together forever. No matter what happens we're going to be together." All that fear I had before we were married of losing him, or him losing me was gone, because now we're married. He'll always be with me, even if something happened to him and he couldn't be with me physically. That knowledge moves me to tears even now as I'm typing this.
Married life so far has been so amazing. Waking up next to my best friend, cuddling up to him, being with him all the time, making love to him, planning budgets and organizing our little place and dreaming about our future together, all of this is amazing. I love my husband so much! Furthermore, I love calling him my husband! I love changing all of my information over to Karen Gubler, and writing my new signature.
I'm so happy I feel like I might explode.
Keep it real readers. Don't forget to be awesome.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Circling The Drain
Well readers, we have officially hit the single digits in the countdown to my wedding day. All I can say is HOLY CRAP!!!
I feel like I just got engaged a week ago, and a little over a week from now I'll be Karen F. Gubler. I was interviewed by the bishop today for my temple recommend, and when he handed me that piece of paper, it was a bittersweet moment. It all sunk in for me. I was leaving the singles' ward I had grown to love like a second family. Moreso than that, I was leaving Karen F. Curl behind. In nine days, I will walk inside the temple, and a few hours later I will walk out with a new last name, a husband, a wedding ring, and a piece of paper saying that I belong to him forever. I will have a new home, a new family, and after that day, a new life.
On the other side of the coin, I get to begin life anew, with my best friend by my side. He will love and protect me for the rest of my existence, and together we will start this amazing adventure. We will rely on one another for love, support, relief, laughter, and fun. After next Friday, I will no longer just be a daughter and a sister. I will be a wife, and eventually, I will be a mother. That is really blowing my mind.
Tonight is my bridal shower, and while I know it will be fun, I'm still just feeling the mind-blowing reality that my whole life is about to change in one day.
Wow. Let's do this. :)
Keep it real readers. Don't forget to be awesome.
I feel like I just got engaged a week ago, and a little over a week from now I'll be Karen F. Gubler. I was interviewed by the bishop today for my temple recommend, and when he handed me that piece of paper, it was a bittersweet moment. It all sunk in for me. I was leaving the singles' ward I had grown to love like a second family. Moreso than that, I was leaving Karen F. Curl behind. In nine days, I will walk inside the temple, and a few hours later I will walk out with a new last name, a husband, a wedding ring, and a piece of paper saying that I belong to him forever. I will have a new home, a new family, and after that day, a new life.
On the other side of the coin, I get to begin life anew, with my best friend by my side. He will love and protect me for the rest of my existence, and together we will start this amazing adventure. We will rely on one another for love, support, relief, laughter, and fun. After next Friday, I will no longer just be a daughter and a sister. I will be a wife, and eventually, I will be a mother. That is really blowing my mind.
Tonight is my bridal shower, and while I know it will be fun, I'm still just feeling the mind-blowing reality that my whole life is about to change in one day.
Wow. Let's do this. :)
Keep it real readers. Don't forget to be awesome.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Poor Mommy
Readers, my heart is heavy.
Today I'm on the tail end of the best night's sleep I've had in weeks. It was amazing. I went to bed around 11:30 and when my alarm went off at 8 am, I was awake and ready to face the day.
A few days ago I went shopping with my mom for extra plates and my veil, and let's just say while at the end of the day we got everything we set out to get, the means did not justify the end.
I was just focusing on what we were setting out to get that day, but my mom started asking me about things that either A) were Skyler's responsibility, or B) were going to be focussed on later this week. After only so much, my patience began to wear thin, and after so explaining one of the forementioned reasons I wasn't worrying about a specific wedding-related subject, finally I started snapping at my mom, and that turned into a little bit of yelling. She just wilted after that.
I felt awful. I couldn't believe I was so awful to my mom. She actually told me she didn't want to talk to me for a few days. I don't blame her.
16 more days.
Keep it real readers.
Today I'm on the tail end of the best night's sleep I've had in weeks. It was amazing. I went to bed around 11:30 and when my alarm went off at 8 am, I was awake and ready to face the day.
A few days ago I went shopping with my mom for extra plates and my veil, and let's just say while at the end of the day we got everything we set out to get, the means did not justify the end.
I was just focusing on what we were setting out to get that day, but my mom started asking me about things that either A) were Skyler's responsibility, or B) were going to be focussed on later this week. After only so much, my patience began to wear thin, and after so explaining one of the forementioned reasons I wasn't worrying about a specific wedding-related subject, finally I started snapping at my mom, and that turned into a little bit of yelling. She just wilted after that.
I felt awful. I couldn't believe I was so awful to my mom. She actually told me she didn't want to talk to me for a few days. I don't blame her.
16 more days.
Keep it real readers.
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Lower End of the 20's
Readers, it is offically 25 days until I become Karen Gubler.
I'm so excited! I love Skyler so much, and everything about him makes me so happy. His nicknames for me, the way he can always make me smile, the way he knows exactly what I'm thinking, his honesty, the way he smells, everything about him. When I see his face when I mess up and hurt him, it kills me. I've never cared about another person's feelings like I care about his. All I want is to make him happy. I want his happiness more than anything.
I got my dress to zip, which is freakin' awesome. My waist looks so tiny in it! I had Robert snap a picture of me in it so I could send it to my bridesmaids, and I just can't believe how beautiful it is. Furthermore, I can't believe how much weight I've lost. I don't feel that much different. I mean, I feel lighter, and my knee that used to bother me doesn't hurt anymore, but seeing myself every day, it's hard to notice a difference day to day. I actually had to compare it to a picture from December to see the difference. Sure my pants are looser, my shirts are looser, I had to buy smaller bras, but I haven't noticed the day-to-day. Customers left and right are telling me they see the difference and tell me I look great. I just see the love handles that are still there.
Anyway, I'm just waiting on the last two dresses and one more pair of shoes to show up, then everyone will have their outfits for the big day.
I'm so excited to be married to my best friend!
Keep it real readers.
I'm so excited! I love Skyler so much, and everything about him makes me so happy. His nicknames for me, the way he can always make me smile, the way he knows exactly what I'm thinking, his honesty, the way he smells, everything about him. When I see his face when I mess up and hurt him, it kills me. I've never cared about another person's feelings like I care about his. All I want is to make him happy. I want his happiness more than anything.
I got my dress to zip, which is freakin' awesome. My waist looks so tiny in it! I had Robert snap a picture of me in it so I could send it to my bridesmaids, and I just can't believe how beautiful it is. Furthermore, I can't believe how much weight I've lost. I don't feel that much different. I mean, I feel lighter, and my knee that used to bother me doesn't hurt anymore, but seeing myself every day, it's hard to notice a difference day to day. I actually had to compare it to a picture from December to see the difference. Sure my pants are looser, my shirts are looser, I had to buy smaller bras, but I haven't noticed the day-to-day. Customers left and right are telling me they see the difference and tell me I look great. I just see the love handles that are still there.
Anyway, I'm just waiting on the last two dresses and one more pair of shoes to show up, then everyone will have their outfits for the big day.
I'm so excited to be married to my best friend!
Keep it real readers.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
30 Days
So much can happen in 30 days readers. In 30 days I'm going to be a married woman. In a mere 30 days last summer I went from being single to being in a committed relationship. 30 days can change everything.
I'm SO EXCITED!!!
Anyway, on the way to school this morning Rob and I ran out of gas. We were a mere feet from a gas station, when Rob announced that he forgot his phone, and we had to turn around and get it. We made it home, back down our street, and about 50 feet down the next street before we ran out. If Rob had remembered his phone, we would have made it, and we would have been on time for school. Bleh.
Oh well. It happens.
My wedding dress came on Monday, and as you know, I ordered a size and a half too small, in hopes that I would shrink the 4 1/2 inches to fit into it.
One word. Almost. It is literally 1 inch too tight in one little place, around my ribs right under my boobs. Talk about frustrating. So I hopped online and ordered a corset that goes up to right under my bust that'll cinch up everything the inch I need.
I'm SO EXCITED!!!
Anyway, on the way to school this morning Rob and I ran out of gas. We were a mere feet from a gas station, when Rob announced that he forgot his phone, and we had to turn around and get it. We made it home, back down our street, and about 50 feet down the next street before we ran out. If Rob had remembered his phone, we would have made it, and we would have been on time for school. Bleh.
Oh well. It happens.
My wedding dress came on Monday, and as you know, I ordered a size and a half too small, in hopes that I would shrink the 4 1/2 inches to fit into it.
One word. Almost. It is literally 1 inch too tight in one little place, around my ribs right under my boobs. Talk about frustrating. So I hopped online and ordered a corset that goes up to right under my bust that'll cinch up everything the inch I need.
Other than that, it's beautiful. It's everything I could have dreamed of. It's tea-length, sweet, and adorable. Utter perfection.
Like I said, perfection.
I'm so excited. Dr. Seuss once said that true happiness is marrying your best friend. Well, I'm happy to say I am. We went from indifferent acquaintances to slightly annoyed at one another's existence, to friends, to special friends, to best friends, and now we're literally going to be best friends forever.
Only 30 more days. :)
Keep it real readers, and don't forget to be awesome.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Crappy Night
Well readers, last night I was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. I just laid there, and I began to get more and more inside my own head.
I hate that feeling. I started picking apart little things about me. I started feeling like how much I hate my body. I really do. I hate the squishy parts, the lumps and bumps, the bruises, even my scars. I hide it all under layers and layers of clothing. Tons of makeup. Silly glasses. Feet upon feet of hair. A loud laugh and big words. I use it all to hide...me.
I am so scared for May. I won't have all my layers of clothes. I won't have my makeup. I won't really have my big words, and at some points I won't have my glasses. Or my laugh. I will be naked in every possible way. I can't even fathom how that will make me feel. I can't hide from someone I'll sleep right next to. Hopefully he'll take out his contacts and he won't be able to see me.
That made me wake up in a foul mood. Very foul. I wore a bag of a shirt to work and wore my hair down to work.
I hate nights like that.
Keep it real readers. May your nights be better than mine was last night.
I hate that feeling. I started picking apart little things about me. I started feeling like how much I hate my body. I really do. I hate the squishy parts, the lumps and bumps, the bruises, even my scars. I hide it all under layers and layers of clothing. Tons of makeup. Silly glasses. Feet upon feet of hair. A loud laugh and big words. I use it all to hide...me.
I am so scared for May. I won't have all my layers of clothes. I won't have my makeup. I won't really have my big words, and at some points I won't have my glasses. Or my laugh. I will be naked in every possible way. I can't even fathom how that will make me feel. I can't hide from someone I'll sleep right next to. Hopefully he'll take out his contacts and he won't be able to see me.
That made me wake up in a foul mood. Very foul. I wore a bag of a shirt to work and wore my hair down to work.
I hate nights like that.
Keep it real readers. May your nights be better than mine was last night.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Incredulous
That is the word I am using to describe my feelings about life right now. Incredulous.
Yesterday was awesome. I started out the day with my karate test, which I think I did pretty well at. Then I ran home to shower so I could tutor one of my mom's students in geometry.
After that, my mother and I ventured out to the church distribution store, where we picked out my temple dress. That's right readers, I officially have my dress for the temple. The dress I am actually going to get married in. It's just so crazy that I saw it, I tried it on, and I knew that was the one. It has a collar, and buttons, and it is so me I couldn't believe it. After that we headed over to Morgan Jewelers to look at wedding bands for Skyler. I was listening to the salesmen go on about diamonds and gold, but something was drawing me down the counter. That's when I saw it. A shiny cobalt band with a black stripe. I asked to see it, and I knew I found it. My husband's wedding ring. I wasn't planning on it, but I bought it right there. It ended up being almost half price.
After a movie date with my mom, I headed over to Skyler's to show him the spoils of my adventures.
He told me the ring I got was the one he actually really wanted, and he tried it on when he was buying mine. Then we got down to business and began working on our love nest. As he was painting the bedroom closet, I was putting down the first coat in the living room.
At one point I was turning to put more paint on my roller, and I watched him as he was doing some edge work. I just thought, "Wow, that's him. That's my guy," as I smiled to myself.
39 more days until we're married. I just can't believe how fast time has gone by. I can't believe someone can feel so much love for another person. I am in awe of him.
Well readers, I have to go hop in the shower so I can go over to my honey's house.
Keep it real, and don't forget to be awesome.
Yesterday was awesome. I started out the day with my karate test, which I think I did pretty well at. Then I ran home to shower so I could tutor one of my mom's students in geometry.
After that, my mother and I ventured out to the church distribution store, where we picked out my temple dress. That's right readers, I officially have my dress for the temple. The dress I am actually going to get married in. It's just so crazy that I saw it, I tried it on, and I knew that was the one. It has a collar, and buttons, and it is so me I couldn't believe it. After that we headed over to Morgan Jewelers to look at wedding bands for Skyler. I was listening to the salesmen go on about diamonds and gold, but something was drawing me down the counter. That's when I saw it. A shiny cobalt band with a black stripe. I asked to see it, and I knew I found it. My husband's wedding ring. I wasn't planning on it, but I bought it right there. It ended up being almost half price.
After a movie date with my mom, I headed over to Skyler's to show him the spoils of my adventures.
He told me the ring I got was the one he actually really wanted, and he tried it on when he was buying mine. Then we got down to business and began working on our love nest. As he was painting the bedroom closet, I was putting down the first coat in the living room.
At one point I was turning to put more paint on my roller, and I watched him as he was doing some edge work. I just thought, "Wow, that's him. That's my guy," as I smiled to myself.
39 more days until we're married. I just can't believe how fast time has gone by. I can't believe someone can feel so much love for another person. I am in awe of him.
Well readers, I have to go hop in the shower so I can go over to my honey's house.
Keep it real, and don't forget to be awesome.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Preparing The Nest
Well readers, I'm coming clean. The first few months of my impending marriage will be spent in the basement of Skyler's parents' house. Yeah. I'm not exactly thrilled about it. The idea of starting our life together on our own, where I take care of my husband and he takes care of me, and we figure things out on our own.
Well, maybe after a few months of saving and paying off some stuff we'll be able to make a go of it.
Anyway, after some hours of cleaning and moving things around, Sky and I started painting our future "love nest" today. It took four coats of primer in one room just to cover the navy blue stripes that covered the bottom half of the walls in one room, and we put on one coat of paint in our future bedroom. I can happily announce that it is going to be a cheery shade of "Summer Town." The bottom half of the walls will be a nice deep teal for a punch of color. It'll look really good when it's all done. After the painting is done then we'll just have to change out the molding, see about adding crown molding and the molding around the middle of the room, and then carpet/flooring.
Then comes the furniture. We're going to get everything all set up so that when we come back from the honeymoon it's all ready for us.
We're thinking San Diego. :-)
43 days until the wedding. Yeah, I'm freaking out a little. I'm starting to worry whether or not I'm ready, or if I'm cut out for this, or if anything changes with us if he'll still feel the same way about me, or me about him. What if I'm infertile? What if he is? What if I'm in a tragic accident and become permanently disfigured? What if I get some sort of chronic illness and he has to take care of me? What if something happens and I gain a bunch of weight?
Maybe it's just cold feet. I don't know, I've never been in this situation before. I love Skyler. I do. I want to marry him. I want nothing more than to wake up next to him every morning, fall asleep next to him every night, eventually have his children, build a life with him, make a home for him, grow old with him. I do. More than anything. I'm just so...nervous. This is the biggest step a person can take in their life, and here I am, at the tender age of 22, taking this step.
The funny part is it's with someone that, a year ago I didn't even give a thought to.
At any rate, here I am. I'm stepping into this whole new life. New name, new address, new family, I'm even getting a new phone number.
Keep it real readers.
Well, maybe after a few months of saving and paying off some stuff we'll be able to make a go of it.
Anyway, after some hours of cleaning and moving things around, Sky and I started painting our future "love nest" today. It took four coats of primer in one room just to cover the navy blue stripes that covered the bottom half of the walls in one room, and we put on one coat of paint in our future bedroom. I can happily announce that it is going to be a cheery shade of "Summer Town." The bottom half of the walls will be a nice deep teal for a punch of color. It'll look really good when it's all done. After the painting is done then we'll just have to change out the molding, see about adding crown molding and the molding around the middle of the room, and then carpet/flooring.
Then comes the furniture. We're going to get everything all set up so that when we come back from the honeymoon it's all ready for us.
We're thinking San Diego. :-)
43 days until the wedding. Yeah, I'm freaking out a little. I'm starting to worry whether or not I'm ready, or if I'm cut out for this, or if anything changes with us if he'll still feel the same way about me, or me about him. What if I'm infertile? What if he is? What if I'm in a tragic accident and become permanently disfigured? What if I get some sort of chronic illness and he has to take care of me? What if something happens and I gain a bunch of weight?
Maybe it's just cold feet. I don't know, I've never been in this situation before. I love Skyler. I do. I want to marry him. I want nothing more than to wake up next to him every morning, fall asleep next to him every night, eventually have his children, build a life with him, make a home for him, grow old with him. I do. More than anything. I'm just so...nervous. This is the biggest step a person can take in their life, and here I am, at the tender age of 22, taking this step.
The funny part is it's with someone that, a year ago I didn't even give a thought to.
At any rate, here I am. I'm stepping into this whole new life. New name, new address, new family, I'm even getting a new phone number.
Keep it real readers.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Lookin' Good
Well readers, let me catch you up.
Last week was spring break, which I started by hitting the ground running. I cleaned out my entire 12 sq. ft. closet and donated four garbage bags of clothes and shoes to the D.I.. Then my shelves collapsed on me, so I rebuild them and put everything back on them.
It took all of about a day and a half, and most of it occurred in the middle of the night. I don't sleep well when I'm in the middle of projects.
Anyway, my mother convinced me into heading down to Phoenix for a couple of days to visit my aunt. We left on Wednesday night after I got off work, which turned out to be around 9:30. We, meaning my mother, my big brother Rob, and me, got to Flagstaff around 1:30 in the morning, where we spent the night. It was quite the coup, because we all got our own bed, and Rob even got his own little room, which worked out pretty awesome for my mother and me because he snores like a helicopter.
We hit the road around 10 the next morning, and made it to my aunt's house around 1:30. We spent the better part of that day just catching up, and I had to show my aunt some of our wedding stuff (i.e. the dress, bridesmaid dresses, shoes, venues, engagements, the ring, the cake, etc.), which she just gushed over. Hooray for good taste!
The next few days were intense. We saw the famous "Mystery Castle" built by a man during the depression on the outskirts of the city. It turns out he was diagnosed with tuberculosis, so he left his wife and daughter in Oregon and moved to Phoenix. He ended up living for a number of years after that, and died of a heart attack in 1945 (apparently he was misdiagnosed). When word traveled to his family of his passing, and that he had left this pretty epic house in the middle of the desert to them, they immediately picked up and moved to Phoenix and into the house. They lived in it for 65 years. Well, his daughter did. His wife died in 1970. His daughter just passed away last November at the age of 87.
Then we did a little shopping. I was on the hunt for the perfect purse, and I had to find something adorable and age-appropriate for my aunt. She's a little fashionably challenged.
The next day Rob and I were tired of sitting around the house all morning so we grabbed my mom's droid and went on our own adventure around the city. First we headed to Tempe, but it was completely crazy because of Spring Break at ASU. Our journey then took us to Scottsdale, which wasn't much better because of Spring Training (don't tell my dad!). There were people in baseball jerseys everywhere. Talk about insane.
We ended our adventure at the Mesa Temple, where we enjoyed the fresh air that was heavy with the smell of citrus. We learned that all over the grounds are orange, grapefruit, and one kumquat tree. It was really cool, and it was nice to get in a little spiritual edification.
After that we were spent, and headed back to the house where we had turkey dinner.
I was welcomed home the next evening with some awesome snuggle action from my luscious fiancée. All was right with the world.
Well readers, after almost a solid two months, I'm happy to announce that Operation Ocean Sunrise Neptune is still in full swing, and is still successful. I feel good, I look good, and now Sky is really starting to like what he sees. I still have those words he said to me just before new year's burned in the back of my brain, and I can't help but still feel self-conscious when he looks at me. I still have this nagging fear that he's going to look at me that first night and be completely repulsed by what he sees.
Anyway, keep it real readers.
Last week was spring break, which I started by hitting the ground running. I cleaned out my entire 12 sq. ft. closet and donated four garbage bags of clothes and shoes to the D.I.. Then my shelves collapsed on me, so I rebuild them and put everything back on them.
It took all of about a day and a half, and most of it occurred in the middle of the night. I don't sleep well when I'm in the middle of projects.
Anyway, my mother convinced me into heading down to Phoenix for a couple of days to visit my aunt. We left on Wednesday night after I got off work, which turned out to be around 9:30. We, meaning my mother, my big brother Rob, and me, got to Flagstaff around 1:30 in the morning, where we spent the night. It was quite the coup, because we all got our own bed, and Rob even got his own little room, which worked out pretty awesome for my mother and me because he snores like a helicopter.
We hit the road around 10 the next morning, and made it to my aunt's house around 1:30. We spent the better part of that day just catching up, and I had to show my aunt some of our wedding stuff (i.e. the dress, bridesmaid dresses, shoes, venues, engagements, the ring, the cake, etc.), which she just gushed over. Hooray for good taste!
The next few days were intense. We saw the famous "Mystery Castle" built by a man during the depression on the outskirts of the city. It turns out he was diagnosed with tuberculosis, so he left his wife and daughter in Oregon and moved to Phoenix. He ended up living for a number of years after that, and died of a heart attack in 1945 (apparently he was misdiagnosed). When word traveled to his family of his passing, and that he had left this pretty epic house in the middle of the desert to them, they immediately picked up and moved to Phoenix and into the house. They lived in it for 65 years. Well, his daughter did. His wife died in 1970. His daughter just passed away last November at the age of 87.
Then we did a little shopping. I was on the hunt for the perfect purse, and I had to find something adorable and age-appropriate for my aunt. She's a little fashionably challenged.
The next day Rob and I were tired of sitting around the house all morning so we grabbed my mom's droid and went on our own adventure around the city. First we headed to Tempe, but it was completely crazy because of Spring Break at ASU. Our journey then took us to Scottsdale, which wasn't much better because of Spring Training (don't tell my dad!). There were people in baseball jerseys everywhere. Talk about insane.
We ended our adventure at the Mesa Temple, where we enjoyed the fresh air that was heavy with the smell of citrus. We learned that all over the grounds are orange, grapefruit, and one kumquat tree. It was really cool, and it was nice to get in a little spiritual edification.
After that we were spent, and headed back to the house where we had turkey dinner.
I was welcomed home the next evening with some awesome snuggle action from my luscious fiancée. All was right with the world.
Well readers, after almost a solid two months, I'm happy to announce that Operation Ocean Sunrise Neptune is still in full swing, and is still successful. I feel good, I look good, and now Sky is really starting to like what he sees. I still have those words he said to me just before new year's burned in the back of my brain, and I can't help but still feel self-conscious when he looks at me. I still have this nagging fear that he's going to look at me that first night and be completely repulsed by what he sees.
Anyway, keep it real readers.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Strange Things Are Happening To Me
Readers, the changes people undergo because of love are astounding.
In the past eight or so months, I've gone from an untouchable, tough-as-nails woman to this soft, sensitive, concerned, compassionate little softy. I miss people now. I cry actual tears.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
Tonight was the first night in four days where I got to see Skyler, and when it was time to say goodnight I felt such loss as he drove away. I was devastated. I cried all the way home. Sobbed is actually a more accurate description. I felt so empty. Just retelling this is making me have that lump in my throat all over again.
Holy cow readers. How could I let this happen to me.
Anyway, keep it real.
In the past eight or so months, I've gone from an untouchable, tough-as-nails woman to this soft, sensitive, concerned, compassionate little softy. I miss people now. I cry actual tears.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
Tonight was the first night in four days where I got to see Skyler, and when it was time to say goodnight I felt such loss as he drove away. I was devastated. I cried all the way home. Sobbed is actually a more accurate description. I felt so empty. Just retelling this is making me have that lump in my throat all over again.
Holy cow readers. How could I let this happen to me.
Anyway, keep it real.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
Growing Eminently Closer
Well readers, the wedding day is fast approaching. We are officially at nine weeks and five days until I trade in my cushy protected life in my parents' home, and thrust myself into adult responsibility by becoming Skyler's wife forever. Am I nervous? You better believe it. Am I excited? Even moreso than I am nervous.
I'm excited to start our life together. Getting used to living with someone new, sharing a bed, figuring out how to do things on my own with my husband, it all sounds so thrilling to me.
Not to mention the sex. That is certainly going to be an experience.
Speaking of which, I find it harder and harder every day to keep myself under control. Every time I look at him I want to touch him, and when I touch him I want to kiss him, and when I kiss him, well, let's not finish that train of thought. Let's just say these next few months are going to be pretty long. So far I'm doing good, but I'm a hot-blooded woman, and I want my man. So bad. Every night I tell him goodnight and leave him to go home, my heart sinks a little as I pray for time to go by faster so that the night will come where I say goodnight, and then lay down next to him.
67 more days...or nights, rather. ;-)
Keep it real readers.
I'm excited to start our life together. Getting used to living with someone new, sharing a bed, figuring out how to do things on my own with my husband, it all sounds so thrilling to me.
Not to mention the sex. That is certainly going to be an experience.
Speaking of which, I find it harder and harder every day to keep myself under control. Every time I look at him I want to touch him, and when I touch him I want to kiss him, and when I kiss him, well, let's not finish that train of thought. Let's just say these next few months are going to be pretty long. So far I'm doing good, but I'm a hot-blooded woman, and I want my man. So bad. Every night I tell him goodnight and leave him to go home, my heart sinks a little as I pray for time to go by faster so that the night will come where I say goodnight, and then lay down next to him.
67 more days...or nights, rather. ;-)
Keep it real readers.
Monday, February 28, 2011
The Tiny Pants Dance
Well kids, I have a crazy week ahead of me. To start, one of my best friends is flying in for a week tomorrow, and I'm super excited to hang out with her. I'm leaving the house at 5:00 AM tomorrow to pick her up from the airport in Las Vegas. I'm excited for her to meet Sky and see my ring and my wedding shoes and help me with a big project to surprise Sky for his birthday.
Skyler found a house. It's a major fixer-upper, but the price is right, and if we haggle it just right, and we get approved for a loan, you just might be listening to the ridiculous ramblings of a homeowner soon. :) The sooner we make this happen, the more time we'll have to work on the house and have it ready to live in by May.
Fingers crossed.
The other day I was desperate for pants to wear (it was laundry day) so I frantically dug through a bag in the hallway that is bound for the D.I.. Inside said bag was a pair of jeans that haven't fit since I was 19. I decided the need was severe enough, I pulled them on, buttoned them, and zipped them. With ease. I was so shocked, I made up a dance.
The tiny pants dance.
It involves a whole bunch of hip wiggling, and saying "tiny pants dance!"
It's pretty amazing.
Shopping for engagement photo outfits tomorrow, long school day Wednesday followed by Sky's birthday party, engagement shoot on Thursday followed by karate and my surprise for Sky, and work Friday and Saturday. Yeesh.
Well, if life has taught me anything, it's that I'm awesome.
Keep it real readers.
Skyler found a house. It's a major fixer-upper, but the price is right, and if we haggle it just right, and we get approved for a loan, you just might be listening to the ridiculous ramblings of a homeowner soon. :) The sooner we make this happen, the more time we'll have to work on the house and have it ready to live in by May.
Fingers crossed.
The other day I was desperate for pants to wear (it was laundry day) so I frantically dug through a bag in the hallway that is bound for the D.I.. Inside said bag was a pair of jeans that haven't fit since I was 19. I decided the need was severe enough, I pulled them on, buttoned them, and zipped them. With ease. I was so shocked, I made up a dance.
The tiny pants dance.
It involves a whole bunch of hip wiggling, and saying "tiny pants dance!"
It's pretty amazing.
Shopping for engagement photo outfits tomorrow, long school day Wednesday followed by Sky's birthday party, engagement shoot on Thursday followed by karate and my surprise for Sky, and work Friday and Saturday. Yeesh.
Well, if life has taught me anything, it's that I'm awesome.
Keep it real readers.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Minor Ramblings, Followed By A Total Gush-Fest
Today Skyler and I went to our first Parade of Homes together. I wasn't sure how he was going to fare with it, but I must say, my favorite part was watching him. His reactions were quite possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen. We had a great time together, strolling through houses holding hands, admiring decorations and furniture and fixtures, and making fun of all of the houses with Southwestern themes. Seriously, that has been done WAY too much. At any rate, we had a great time together, and we're planning on going again later in the week to get as many houses done as possible.
The wedding is creeping ever closer. It's only 80 days away. 80 DAYS! My dress should be here in a few weeks, and it is officially a perfect fit. It isn't much longer until it will be too big.
The last few days we've been searching for places to live after the wedding, and we actually found something promising. We're not sure how it's going to go yet, but I'll keep you posted on how things pan out.
My mom got an AMAZING mother of the bride dress, and I'm so excited to see her rocking it on the dance floor. My dad found the most perfect hot pink dress shirt I've ever seen, and he looks amazing in it.
I tried on a shirt today at Sky's urging that a month ago I wouldn't dream of fitting into. It fit. For a second I was elated, then I felt self-conscious, then I came out of the dressing room to show Sky, then, feeling his eyes on me as he told me I looked cute, I felt more self-conscious, then I started to panic a little, so I wrapped my arms around myself and went back in the dressing room and took it off, putting back on my loose-fitting fat clothes. Imagine how weird I'll feel when he sees me naked? Eesh. Scary.
Anyway, other than that, life is good. Apparently I look great, even though I have a lot more weight to lose, and I have just as much body shame as I ever did. Skyler loves me more than ever, and my adorable sock monkey that smells like him is proof of that, not to mention the adorable homemade poster he made for me that is covered in things he loves about me. When I saw it on Valentine's Day, I cried like a little girl. I have never cried tears of joy quite like that before.
Oh, speaking of Skyler, he went out of town for blackbelt training over the weekend, and the weather was a little scary, so naturally I was worried. I actually stewed about it for a few days, and had a nightmare that something awful had happened to him in his travels. I was actually nervous for him. I kept wondering what I would do if something had happened to him, and I couldn't bear the thought of my life without him in it. When I got that message Sunday afternoon that he had made it safe and sound, I breathed a sigh of relief that could probably be heard from miles around.
I love that kid. I can't wait to be his wife.
Keep it real readers.
The wedding is creeping ever closer. It's only 80 days away. 80 DAYS! My dress should be here in a few weeks, and it is officially a perfect fit. It isn't much longer until it will be too big.
The last few days we've been searching for places to live after the wedding, and we actually found something promising. We're not sure how it's going to go yet, but I'll keep you posted on how things pan out.
My mom got an AMAZING mother of the bride dress, and I'm so excited to see her rocking it on the dance floor. My dad found the most perfect hot pink dress shirt I've ever seen, and he looks amazing in it.
I tried on a shirt today at Sky's urging that a month ago I wouldn't dream of fitting into. It fit. For a second I was elated, then I felt self-conscious, then I came out of the dressing room to show Sky, then, feeling his eyes on me as he told me I looked cute, I felt more self-conscious, then I started to panic a little, so I wrapped my arms around myself and went back in the dressing room and took it off, putting back on my loose-fitting fat clothes. Imagine how weird I'll feel when he sees me naked? Eesh. Scary.
Anyway, other than that, life is good. Apparently I look great, even though I have a lot more weight to lose, and I have just as much body shame as I ever did. Skyler loves me more than ever, and my adorable sock monkey that smells like him is proof of that, not to mention the adorable homemade poster he made for me that is covered in things he loves about me. When I saw it on Valentine's Day, I cried like a little girl. I have never cried tears of joy quite like that before.
Oh, speaking of Skyler, he went out of town for blackbelt training over the weekend, and the weather was a little scary, so naturally I was worried. I actually stewed about it for a few days, and had a nightmare that something awful had happened to him in his travels. I was actually nervous for him. I kept wondering what I would do if something had happened to him, and I couldn't bear the thought of my life without him in it. When I got that message Sunday afternoon that he had made it safe and sound, I breathed a sigh of relief that could probably be heard from miles around.
I love that kid. I can't wait to be his wife.
Keep it real readers.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Recurring Dream
Don't worry readers, this isn't a diet update. Those are only on Fridays. :) On a similar note, I'm happy to say I have successfully repressed my urge for self-destructive behavior. It's floating around in the back of my mind, and truth be told it's always there, but I didn't act on my urge, and I'm really proud of myself. I think my new meds have helped. A lot of my obsessive behaviors are considerably better too. I only washed my hands six times yesterday. Compared to 15 that's insane.
But that's not the purpose of this post.
When I was a little girl I had a dream that I was sledding and I crashed and landed face-down in the snow, and a little boy helped me up, brushed the snow off me, and walked me home.
Last night I had the same dream. I was 7 years old all over again, my long chestnut hair was pulled into a ponytail, wearing a too-big pair of snow pants, and I felt the sting of the cold snow on my face all over again as I whitewashed myself.
Then I felt the hand of the familiar stranger grab my hand and help me up, tears streaming down my face, and when I saw his face, it wasn't the same face I remembered. The smooth, dimpled face I remembered was covered in freckles. His blond hair was now a vibrant shade of red. The tears of pain I was crying turned into tears of joy, and I threw my little arms around him.
Then I woke up.
It was an interesting experience, remembering that dream I had so long ago, and actually wrote about it in a book I've been working on for about a year.
Anyway, I thought I'd share that with you readers.
Keep it real. :)
But that's not the purpose of this post.
When I was a little girl I had a dream that I was sledding and I crashed and landed face-down in the snow, and a little boy helped me up, brushed the snow off me, and walked me home.
Last night I had the same dream. I was 7 years old all over again, my long chestnut hair was pulled into a ponytail, wearing a too-big pair of snow pants, and I felt the sting of the cold snow on my face all over again as I whitewashed myself.
Then I felt the hand of the familiar stranger grab my hand and help me up, tears streaming down my face, and when I saw his face, it wasn't the same face I remembered. The smooth, dimpled face I remembered was covered in freckles. His blond hair was now a vibrant shade of red. The tears of pain I was crying turned into tears of joy, and I threw my little arms around him.
Then I woke up.
It was an interesting experience, remembering that dream I had so long ago, and actually wrote about it in a book I've been working on for about a year.
Anyway, I thought I'd share that with you readers.
Keep it real. :)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Proving To Be A Problem
Well readers, I lasted three weeks before it started to set in.
Ever since I was a teenager, I haven't been able to diet, because then I start obsessing about the calories I take in, and then I start counting them compulsively, which turns into me eating as few as I possibly can, which eventually takes me back to the place I was in a number of years ago, which I would not like to go back to.
I felt myself start to obsess today, and it scared me. I have been making so much progress, and I was feeling so great about myself, but I got to work today, I looked in the mirror, and I thought, "Ew, look at that disgusting beast." That beast was me.
I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself, and in the grand scheme of things I am making tremendous progress, but that little voice that plagued me as a teenager just roared at me today.
I guess this is another case of hypoglycemia saving my life. If I don't eat at regular intervals, I literally lose consciousness.
I just end up hating myself and exercising obsessively.
Time to hit prayer hardcore. I just have to keep plugging away at life, and I guess avoid mirrors for a few days.
Wish me luck.
Keep it real readers.
Ever since I was a teenager, I haven't been able to diet, because then I start obsessing about the calories I take in, and then I start counting them compulsively, which turns into me eating as few as I possibly can, which eventually takes me back to the place I was in a number of years ago, which I would not like to go back to.
I felt myself start to obsess today, and it scared me. I have been making so much progress, and I was feeling so great about myself, but I got to work today, I looked in the mirror, and I thought, "Ew, look at that disgusting beast." That beast was me.
I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself, and in the grand scheme of things I am making tremendous progress, but that little voice that plagued me as a teenager just roared at me today.
I guess this is another case of hypoglycemia saving my life. If I don't eat at regular intervals, I literally lose consciousness.
I just end up hating myself and exercising obsessively.
Time to hit prayer hardcore. I just have to keep plugging away at life, and I guess avoid mirrors for a few days.
Wish me luck.
Keep it real readers.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Project Ocean Sunrise Neptune
Well readers, another week has passed, and I have lost another four pounds, which takes me to a grand total of 12 pounds lost. I've lost another inch to an inch and a half off of my circumferencial areas, and I'm feeling better than ever.
My clothes are starting to hang off me, which I have to say I totally love. My rings are starting to spin and slide, which makes me a little bit nervous since I recently accidentally found out how much one of them costs. Yikes is all I can say.
Anyway, life is good, I haven't felt better in years, I feel my muscles starting to show under my skin, I feel my ribs when I lay down, and I feel so strong. My push-ups are getting better, my sit-ups are getting better, I can do jumping jacks all day, and for the first time in a long time, I actually want to lace up my tennis shoes and run. I want to run like a Kenyan. Miles and miles. I used to run 16 miles a week, and I remember how free I felt, and I want it. I need to find my freedom again, so I can focus better in the rest of my life.
So much to do. SO MUCH!
Keep it real readers.
My clothes are starting to hang off me, which I have to say I totally love. My rings are starting to spin and slide, which makes me a little bit nervous since I recently accidentally found out how much one of them costs. Yikes is all I can say.
Anyway, life is good, I haven't felt better in years, I feel my muscles starting to show under my skin, I feel my ribs when I lay down, and I feel so strong. My push-ups are getting better, my sit-ups are getting better, I can do jumping jacks all day, and for the first time in a long time, I actually want to lace up my tennis shoes and run. I want to run like a Kenyan. Miles and miles. I used to run 16 miles a week, and I remember how free I felt, and I want it. I need to find my freedom again, so I can focus better in the rest of my life.
So much to do. SO MUCH!
Keep it real readers.
Friday, February 04, 2011
Measurable Progress
Well readers, it's been two weeks since I embarked on Project Ocean Sunrise Neptune, and I have to say, things are looking good. I've lost 8 pounds so far, and I've lost an inch and a half on all of my circumferencial areas. (Bust, band, waist, hips)
I have to say, this is pretty exciting readers. Not much further until my wedding dress will be a perfect fit, and any more than that will cause me to travel to the nearest seamstress to have it taken in. I have one thing to say to that:
HOORAY!!!
Life is good. Nay, life is great. I haven't had measurable progress like this while on a similar project since I was 16, and let's just say my methods were far more self-destructive then.
Still layering up though. I'm shrinking a lot faster than I thought I would, and hiding it from Skyler is going to prove more difficult the longer I go. I'm still determined to surprise him however, and wearing clothes that are excellent camouflage along with layering is getting interesting. I'm not going to buy any new clothes until right before engagement photos are taken (in three weeks) to ensure a perfect fit, since I'm losing weight in buckets.
This little deception of mine is getting so much fun!
Keep it real readers.
I have to say, this is pretty exciting readers. Not much further until my wedding dress will be a perfect fit, and any more than that will cause me to travel to the nearest seamstress to have it taken in. I have one thing to say to that:
HOORAY!!!
Life is good. Nay, life is great. I haven't had measurable progress like this while on a similar project since I was 16, and let's just say my methods were far more self-destructive then.
Still layering up though. I'm shrinking a lot faster than I thought I would, and hiding it from Skyler is going to prove more difficult the longer I go. I'm still determined to surprise him however, and wearing clothes that are excellent camouflage along with layering is getting interesting. I'm not going to buy any new clothes until right before engagement photos are taken (in three weeks) to ensure a perfect fit, since I'm losing weight in buckets.
This little deception of mine is getting so much fun!
Keep it real readers.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Such A Lucky Girl
Sometimes I'm such a girl. And not in a good way.
PMS has reared its ugly head once again, and I hate what it does to me. I feel fat and ugly and pimply and my boobs hurt and all of that makes me so unpleasant. I get mad and annoyed at every turn, and there's just no satisfying the beast.
That was the reason for the last blog. I was feeling the beginning of the horrible beast starting to pop up. The next day my pants felt tighter, and I knew what was happening.
Anyway, back to the title of my blog. I'm such an unbelievably lucky girl. Sky loves me so much, and honestly I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing man in my life. He's so patient with me, and so good to me. I try so hard to be the girl he deserves to have. I look at him in awe sometimes, and sometimes with complete adoration. I'm so in love with that man.
Enough with the gush fest.
Keep it real readers.
PMS has reared its ugly head once again, and I hate what it does to me. I feel fat and ugly and pimply and my boobs hurt and all of that makes me so unpleasant. I get mad and annoyed at every turn, and there's just no satisfying the beast.
That was the reason for the last blog. I was feeling the beginning of the horrible beast starting to pop up. The next day my pants felt tighter, and I knew what was happening.
Anyway, back to the title of my blog. I'm such an unbelievably lucky girl. Sky loves me so much, and honestly I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing man in my life. He's so patient with me, and so good to me. I try so hard to be the girl he deserves to have. I look at him in awe sometimes, and sometimes with complete adoration. I'm so in love with that man.
Enough with the gush fest.
Keep it real readers.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Feeling like number four
Well, I had pretty high hopes for today. I was hoping that the Jazz would win, because Sky mentioned that it would bode well for me in the affection department.
Anyway, the day started fairly well. I woke up at a decent time, I got paid, I got to have lunch with Robert, I visited my mom at work, and I got quite a bit of homework done.
However, that's when the day started to, as they say, suck.
My mom and I had decided to see a matinee, and we settled on True Grit, since it was nominated for best picture and all, we figured it had to be good.
Not so readers. Robert had talked it up for weeks, saying it was amazing and well done and all that and a bag of chips, but frankly, I was underwhelmed. Halfway through I almost fell asleep, but I figured I owed it to my six dollars to stay awake.
Then the day got better. We got home and had our traditional Friday night pizza night, and after that my family and I gathered around in the living room and watched RED. It was funny, and action-packed. I was really enjoying it, and I got about 2/3 of the way through it before I got the text from my man, asking me to come over. I fluffed my hair, put on socks and shoes, and headed over. I was so excited when I arrived and saw that the Jazz were up and it was the fourth quarter.
Then I turned to take my rightful place next to Sky, but was dismayed when I saw that sitting, no, laying in my place was his dog, and on the other side of the dog was Sky's friend Dason.
So Karen sat on the floor. Then the game, which we won, ended, and he pushed his dog on the floor.
"Yay! I get to sit by my man now!" I thought. Once again, not so readers. He stood up, and we all went in the kitchen. Why? To play a game with his parents. Two rounds later, and he and Dason disappeared in the basement to watch yet another sporting event, while I stayed in the kitchen and talked to his mom, who, on a side note, wants me to call her "Mom." I just don't think I can do that. I have one mom in my life. The one who gave birth to me. I love her, and it takes a lot for me to use that title for anyone else.
Anyway, then he came upstairs, and announced it was time to go home. I hardly got any affection when we said goodnight, and I came home with a scowl on my face.
So yeah. I'm mad tonight. I'm mad because for the first time in a long time, he didn't care at all about me or my feelings. He's actually upset at me because I told him I was disappointed.
I can't help it if I actually felt the gravity of being number 4 on his list of priorities tonight. I've never been this low on the list. I'm used to being number 2, behind karate or homework or basketball or his parents, and sometimes I'm number 3 behind two of those other things. I think maybe in the course of our relationship I've been number 1 maybe three times.
Maybe I should make him a lower priority on my list too. Hmmm...
Well readers, keep it real.
Anyway, the day started fairly well. I woke up at a decent time, I got paid, I got to have lunch with Robert, I visited my mom at work, and I got quite a bit of homework done.
However, that's when the day started to, as they say, suck.
My mom and I had decided to see a matinee, and we settled on True Grit, since it was nominated for best picture and all, we figured it had to be good.
Not so readers. Robert had talked it up for weeks, saying it was amazing and well done and all that and a bag of chips, but frankly, I was underwhelmed. Halfway through I almost fell asleep, but I figured I owed it to my six dollars to stay awake.
Then the day got better. We got home and had our traditional Friday night pizza night, and after that my family and I gathered around in the living room and watched RED. It was funny, and action-packed. I was really enjoying it, and I got about 2/3 of the way through it before I got the text from my man, asking me to come over. I fluffed my hair, put on socks and shoes, and headed over. I was so excited when I arrived and saw that the Jazz were up and it was the fourth quarter.
Then I turned to take my rightful place next to Sky, but was dismayed when I saw that sitting, no, laying in my place was his dog, and on the other side of the dog was Sky's friend Dason.
So Karen sat on the floor. Then the game, which we won, ended, and he pushed his dog on the floor.
"Yay! I get to sit by my man now!" I thought. Once again, not so readers. He stood up, and we all went in the kitchen. Why? To play a game with his parents. Two rounds later, and he and Dason disappeared in the basement to watch yet another sporting event, while I stayed in the kitchen and talked to his mom, who, on a side note, wants me to call her "Mom." I just don't think I can do that. I have one mom in my life. The one who gave birth to me. I love her, and it takes a lot for me to use that title for anyone else.
Anyway, then he came upstairs, and announced it was time to go home. I hardly got any affection when we said goodnight, and I came home with a scowl on my face.
So yeah. I'm mad tonight. I'm mad because for the first time in a long time, he didn't care at all about me or my feelings. He's actually upset at me because I told him I was disappointed.
I can't help it if I actually felt the gravity of being number 4 on his list of priorities tonight. I've never been this low on the list. I'm used to being number 2, behind karate or homework or basketball or his parents, and sometimes I'm number 3 behind two of those other things. I think maybe in the course of our relationship I've been number 1 maybe three times.
Maybe I should make him a lower priority on my list too. Hmmm...
Well readers, keep it real.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
My Newest Exploit
I never knew time could move so slowly.
Anyway readers, I recently visited with my doctor, and had to have my meds adjusted again. Blah. I hate adapting to a new antidepressant. It takes days before I really feel like myself again, and frankly I just don't have the time for this again. Unfortunately, it has to happen. I was feeling like a zombie. My range of emotion had become almost non-existent, and forcing myself to be exuberant was exhausting.
Luckily, I'm going to be back on my old drug, accompanied by a new one that should be very beneficial. Along with that, I inquired about a common metabolism boosting drug that has been known to aid weight loss. I've never been one to base my self-worth on a number I see on the scale, but with my wedding coming up, I want to look my best, and furthermore, I ordered my dress a size too small.
I have been exercising and eating better, but progress has been slow. With this new medication, I could see noticeable results in a month.
However, as a bit of an experiment, I'm going to keep wearing layers, along with baggier clothes for the next little while so that Skyler won't notice. I have been toying with the idea of actually trying to make myself look heavier, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Anyway, I've already started to lose weight, and I have so much more energy than I used to. This is pretty awesome.
The only catch is I have to visit my doctor monthly so they can monitor my progress. I hate the doctor.
Oh well. Small price to pay.
Wedding planning is going good. Cake consult this Thursday.
Keep it real readers.
Anyway readers, I recently visited with my doctor, and had to have my meds adjusted again. Blah. I hate adapting to a new antidepressant. It takes days before I really feel like myself again, and frankly I just don't have the time for this again. Unfortunately, it has to happen. I was feeling like a zombie. My range of emotion had become almost non-existent, and forcing myself to be exuberant was exhausting.
Luckily, I'm going to be back on my old drug, accompanied by a new one that should be very beneficial. Along with that, I inquired about a common metabolism boosting drug that has been known to aid weight loss. I've never been one to base my self-worth on a number I see on the scale, but with my wedding coming up, I want to look my best, and furthermore, I ordered my dress a size too small.
I have been exercising and eating better, but progress has been slow. With this new medication, I could see noticeable results in a month.
However, as a bit of an experiment, I'm going to keep wearing layers, along with baggier clothes for the next little while so that Skyler won't notice. I have been toying with the idea of actually trying to make myself look heavier, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Anyway, I've already started to lose weight, and I have so much more energy than I used to. This is pretty awesome.
The only catch is I have to visit my doctor monthly so they can monitor my progress. I hate the doctor.
Oh well. Small price to pay.
Wedding planning is going good. Cake consult this Thursday.
Keep it real readers.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Such Progress
Well readers, this past week has been, in a word, productive.
Skyler and I booked our photographer, he got measured for his tuxedo, I ordered my shoes and dress, we booked our reception venue, which is also taking care of our flowers, so that's a two-birds-one-stone situation. The venue is BEAUTIFUL. I can't even believe I will be celebrating my wedding in such an amazing place.
On top of all of that, we set up all three of our registries, tested furniture, and looked at potential engagement photo outfits.
Like I said. Productive.
This week we're taking photos of our cake and getting quotes. I was all for a styrofoam cake, but my dad has insisted we have a real cake. No worries. We'll figure it out.
Everything is coming together so much better than I could have ever dreamed. My mom is finally happy for us, and she's actually getting excited. Moreso, my grandma has been spreading the word among the family, and now my family is excited that I'm getting married. I think it's because I'm doing it the right way. The honorable way.
Life is good. Nay, life is great.
Keep it real readers.
Skyler and I booked our photographer, he got measured for his tuxedo, I ordered my shoes and dress, we booked our reception venue, which is also taking care of our flowers, so that's a two-birds-one-stone situation. The venue is BEAUTIFUL. I can't even believe I will be celebrating my wedding in such an amazing place.
On top of all of that, we set up all three of our registries, tested furniture, and looked at potential engagement photo outfits.
Like I said. Productive.
This week we're taking photos of our cake and getting quotes. I was all for a styrofoam cake, but my dad has insisted we have a real cake. No worries. We'll figure it out.
Everything is coming together so much better than I could have ever dreamed. My mom is finally happy for us, and she's actually getting excited. Moreso, my grandma has been spreading the word among the family, and now my family is excited that I'm getting married. I think it's because I'm doing it the right way. The honorable way.
Life is good. Nay, life is great.
Keep it real readers.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Let The Planning....COMMENCE!
Readers, I've taken to wedding planning like a duck to water.
I have to admit, I was pretty freaked out at the prospect of planning an entire wedding, and there were a few hiccups in the plan when I started, but yesterday we booked our photographer, tomorrow we're booking our reception venue and starting our registry, and today Skyler got measured for his tux. I've picked out my dress, my shoes, my bridesmaids' dresses and shoes, and now those just need to be ordered. I'm ordering my shoes already so I'll have them in time for engagement photos. They're specially made so they'll take a month to get here.
Next week Sky and I are going to go around and get quotes for our cake. With how smoothly this week has turned out, I'm actually getting excited.
Someone told me we're planning everything "so soon." I told them the sooner everything is booked and squared away, the sooner I can just relax and focus on the little things, like getting my nails done, picking out jewelry, and looking forward to spending the rest of my life with my best friend.
Everywhere else in the world people book wedding-related things a year in advance. I'm getting married four months from yesterday, and frankly, I have no problem spending the last month of my engagement knowing everything, more or less, is being taken care of.
I think now that I realize everything is going to be just fine, I can finally relax into this and be excited for the future. :)
Hooray!
Keep it real readers.
I have to admit, I was pretty freaked out at the prospect of planning an entire wedding, and there were a few hiccups in the plan when I started, but yesterday we booked our photographer, tomorrow we're booking our reception venue and starting our registry, and today Skyler got measured for his tux. I've picked out my dress, my shoes, my bridesmaids' dresses and shoes, and now those just need to be ordered. I'm ordering my shoes already so I'll have them in time for engagement photos. They're specially made so they'll take a month to get here.
Next week Sky and I are going to go around and get quotes for our cake. With how smoothly this week has turned out, I'm actually getting excited.
Someone told me we're planning everything "so soon." I told them the sooner everything is booked and squared away, the sooner I can just relax and focus on the little things, like getting my nails done, picking out jewelry, and looking forward to spending the rest of my life with my best friend.
Everywhere else in the world people book wedding-related things a year in advance. I'm getting married four months from yesterday, and frankly, I have no problem spending the last month of my engagement knowing everything, more or less, is being taken care of.
I think now that I realize everything is going to be just fine, I can finally relax into this and be excited for the future. :)
Hooray!
Keep it real readers.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
So Much To Do
There is so much to be done readers.
First of all, my room is a total mess. It looks like a bomb went off in there, and since it's a small room to begin with it's pretty awful.
Tomorrow is the first day of school, and I'm hoping to sign up for an institute class this semester. Preferably preparing for an eternal marriage. I figure that would be the most useful given my current situation.
To add to everything else, I still have an entire wedding to plan. Plus I have two dress sizes to shrink, and work towards my next belt in karate.
Yep, I got my orange belt on Friday, and my body still hurts. Haha.
Life is good, however I have a long road ahead of me before May.
In the mean time, keep it real readers.
First of all, my room is a total mess. It looks like a bomb went off in there, and since it's a small room to begin with it's pretty awful.
Tomorrow is the first day of school, and I'm hoping to sign up for an institute class this semester. Preferably preparing for an eternal marriage. I figure that would be the most useful given my current situation.
To add to everything else, I still have an entire wedding to plan. Plus I have two dress sizes to shrink, and work towards my next belt in karate.
Yep, I got my orange belt on Friday, and my body still hurts. Haha.
Life is good, however I have a long road ahead of me before May.
In the mean time, keep it real readers.
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
First Blog of 2011
Well readers, it's been a crazy week.
I worked 30 hours last week, and around all of that I managed to freak out about being engaged three times, hardly sleep, and find an amazing wedding dress.
The night before New Year's Eve Skyler and I got into a huge fight, and then he said something that seriously hurt my feelings. Like, low blow hurt my feelings. I bid him goodnight and went to bed, almost too angry to sleep, and certainly too angry to cry. An hour later he texted me to apologize, telling me he loved me so much and that he can feel the adversary trying to come between us, but that just means our marriage is going to be "EPIC" (his words) and he can't wait to ring in the new year together.
I knew he meant what he said, but I also knew he meant what he said that hurt me so badly. I eventually fell asleep, but I was wracked with horrible dreams and troubling feelings. I was so hurt, and so upset. I actually took off my ring and left it across the room from me. I almost left it home when I had to work the next morning, but I was afraid of raising questions so I just grudgingly slid it on my hand and grinned and bore it.
It took me the better part of the day to finally text him back. By then he had resigned to spending New Year's with his parents and listening to an audiobook. I have to admit I smiled at the prospect of him having a lame night because he said something hurtful and drove me away. I did eventually make plans with him that afternoon, and that night we got together with a couple of friends of ours.
I kept my coat on the better part of the night. I felt so self conscious. I couldn't hardly bring myself to look him in the eye. I just kept looking out the window out into the night as we drove around, feeling the pain of those words still cutting me.
He kept confiding little secrets in me, laughing and carrying on, telling me how he initially planned to ask me to marry him, holding my hand, telling me little jokes, all while we were walking around First Night and freezing our butts off, and later at Denny's when we were warming up with some Hot Chocolate.
I eventually relaxed enough that I could spare a glance or two at him, and by the end of the night we were having a great time. He even called me Mrs. Gubler. It felt weird to hear him say that, but it was a good weird. It was sweet.
We had a decent few days together, but he didn't want to hang out with me tonight. I'm sort of glad too. I just wanted a day where I wouldn't have to look in his eyes and see the "I love you, but..." in them. I didn't want to feel his hands touch me. Not tonight. I didn't want to feel his lips kiss me, wondering what he was thinking when he closed his eyes and pulled me close to him.
I haven't forgiven him. Not yet.
I'm going to figure it out, and we're going to make it, but right now, I'm still hurt.
Keep it real readers.
I worked 30 hours last week, and around all of that I managed to freak out about being engaged three times, hardly sleep, and find an amazing wedding dress.
The night before New Year's Eve Skyler and I got into a huge fight, and then he said something that seriously hurt my feelings. Like, low blow hurt my feelings. I bid him goodnight and went to bed, almost too angry to sleep, and certainly too angry to cry. An hour later he texted me to apologize, telling me he loved me so much and that he can feel the adversary trying to come between us, but that just means our marriage is going to be "EPIC" (his words) and he can't wait to ring in the new year together.
I knew he meant what he said, but I also knew he meant what he said that hurt me so badly. I eventually fell asleep, but I was wracked with horrible dreams and troubling feelings. I was so hurt, and so upset. I actually took off my ring and left it across the room from me. I almost left it home when I had to work the next morning, but I was afraid of raising questions so I just grudgingly slid it on my hand and grinned and bore it.
It took me the better part of the day to finally text him back. By then he had resigned to spending New Year's with his parents and listening to an audiobook. I have to admit I smiled at the prospect of him having a lame night because he said something hurtful and drove me away. I did eventually make plans with him that afternoon, and that night we got together with a couple of friends of ours.
I kept my coat on the better part of the night. I felt so self conscious. I couldn't hardly bring myself to look him in the eye. I just kept looking out the window out into the night as we drove around, feeling the pain of those words still cutting me.
He kept confiding little secrets in me, laughing and carrying on, telling me how he initially planned to ask me to marry him, holding my hand, telling me little jokes, all while we were walking around First Night and freezing our butts off, and later at Denny's when we were warming up with some Hot Chocolate.
I eventually relaxed enough that I could spare a glance or two at him, and by the end of the night we were having a great time. He even called me Mrs. Gubler. It felt weird to hear him say that, but it was a good weird. It was sweet.
We had a decent few days together, but he didn't want to hang out with me tonight. I'm sort of glad too. I just wanted a day where I wouldn't have to look in his eyes and see the "I love you, but..." in them. I didn't want to feel his hands touch me. Not tonight. I didn't want to feel his lips kiss me, wondering what he was thinking when he closed his eyes and pulled me close to him.
I haven't forgiven him. Not yet.
I'm going to figure it out, and we're going to make it, but right now, I'm still hurt.
Keep it real readers.
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