Sweet Insomnia, ergo Introspection

Well readers, it's about 2:30 in the morning, and I can't sleep.  It's kind of a funny story that brought me here.  I forgot to take my meds for a few days, which put me in a weird mood, and I was unbelievably tired and didn't know why.  I was afraid that I was coming down with some terrible disease or illness that was making me exhausted, but it turns out I was just forgetful.

When I stumbled upon this discovery earlier this evening, rather than doing the smart thing and taking the more pressing meds tonight and drugging up the rest of the way in the morning, I took everything I had missed tonight, making me feel amazingly alive and alert after a few hours.

So here we are readers.  I'm blogging in the wee hours of the morning.

In these past weeks since Sky and I got back together, I've become very introspective.  I've been trying to figure out what exactly is causing me to keep these walls up between him and me.  Why don't I ever invite him to spend time with my family?  Why can't I tell him exactly what is on my mind?  Why can't we spend time at my house?  Why does it feel like pulling teeth when I tell him about an event that I'm involved in?  Why don't I ever let him see me cry?  Why can't I trust him to be there for me and be faithful to me and not hurt me?

These are some pretty heavy questions that needed answering.

Hence the introspection.  Believe it or not, I'm a rather pensive person when I'm alone.  Most of the bubbliness that I'm known for is...well, to say it is an act seems to be a bit of an exaggeration.  It's not an act.  It's merely a more public-friendly facet of my personality.  It IS genuine, however, it is more of a "tip of the iceberg" version of me.

But I digress...

In thinking about the whole keeping-my-family-separate-from-Sky thing, I realized that my whole life I was taught that home was a "safe place," and it was a place where I knew I wouldn't be hurt by those I loved--theoretically speaking of course.  As some of you know that wasn't always the case.  At any rate, I've always been wary of bringing people over and inviting them into what I lovingly refer as "The Curl Pod."  Especially when it came to individuals I was dating.  Furthermore, I was also afraid of my family getting attached to someone and then having it not work out, and suffering not only my own pain of separation and loss, but also my family's pain.  I learned how possible that was the hard way from an old flame from high school.  It didn't work out, and to this day, they still bring him up with a distant sadness in their voice, and it's been over five years.  It's one thing to leave me, but I hate hurting my family.

When it comes to the whole trusting-him-not-to-hurt-me thing, along with the having trouble inviting him to things I'm involved in, well, my dating history is checkered at best.  I've invited people I was involved with to events I was involved in and have been let down many a time.  I've been stood up, or worse, he was on time...with another girl.  When it comes to getting hurt, every time I've let someone in I've been left.  Left for someone else, albeit another girl, and once even for a guy.  I've been left because he wasn't having enough alone time, because I wasn't righteous enough, because I talked too much, and even because I didn't talk enough.  Go figure.

That being said, Sky knows pretty much everything about me and I've been trying really hard to be open with him, even about the stupid things, and despite all of it, he still loves me.  He doesn't understand it when I look at him with a hint of admiration and surprise in my eyes.  When I say "I'm so lucky" I don't think he sees how much I mean it, or from where it's coming from.

A long time ago I made a promise to myself that if I ever started to feel this way about someone this strongly, then I was going to take them to where I was sealed to my parents, and tell them the story of that day.  Moreover, I would tell them three more words I've never said to anyone.  It's not like when I said "I love you," where I've said it a number of times to a number of people in varying degrees of honesty and context.  There's only one degree of meaning it for me.

What are they?  What are these three words that I've never said?

"I trust you."

Yeah.  It's kind of a big deal, and the very idea I'm almost there gives me both a nauseous and excited feeling in my stomach, and I'm pretty sure that's not just my body's reaction to catching up to my missed medications.

Believe you me, I'll keep you posted.

Keep it real readers.