I've Never Felt This Confused...

I come at you from a very upsetting place readers.

I feel my heart breaking in my chest.

This past weekend Sky went out of town for black belt training, which I'm used to.  He has it every month.  This time was different though.  He didn't talk to me the entire time he was gone, and not even when he got back.  Hours after his return I finally sent him a message asking if he was alive.

Long story short, he didn't even think he'd done anything wrong.  He is his own person, but to not text your girlfriend for two days is kind of messed up if you ask me.  But maybe I'm just crazy like that.

Anyway, today after karate we stopped at Big Lots, and I was still fuming from the previous few days.  Finally he asked me what was wrong, and I explained that being ignored for two days made me upset.  His only excuse was he was busy.

That turned into a conversation where he admitted he felt something was wrong in our relationship, but he couldn't put his finger on what it was, then he started pointing out things he noticed within himself that he felt were wrong.

He never fell for me.
We always hang out at his house.
We never say what we want to say when something is wrong.

The latter two I can deal with, and can be fixed.  The first one felt like a slap in the face.

Never fell?  That means the last four months were....pointless.  I mean, I had a feeling that he wasn't in as deep as I was, and part of me wondered if he was only with me because he wanted to have a girlfriend, and not necessarily because he wanted to be with me.

Now I know, in a way, I was right.

He cares about me, I know that for sure.  But now I wonder about the "I Love You"s and the dates and the kisses.  How much of it was just an act?  All of it?  Did love just slowly grow over time for him?

I always knew I wasn't his first choice.  I know he was always into the prettier, thinner, less complicated girls in the ward before I came along, and he will likely go back to them after I'm gone.

But the last four months with him have been amazing.  He's made me so happy, and we have been so great together.  I've never felt better in my life, and I've never felt so strong and so confident.

He has been good to me, and good for me.  I've never felt this way about anybody before, and the thought of being with someone else just feels wrong.  I've never thought about marrying anyone before him.  I've never said "I love you" and meant it before him.

It begs the question:  What do I do?

Do I cut and run?  Look for someone who loves me first?  Go back to singlehood and *gulp* dating?

Or do I stay with the only man I've ever loved, give it time, allow him to figure out what all being a boyfriend entails and be patient?

I don't know.  I have some serious thinking to do.

Keep it real readers.