No Take-Backs

Well kids, Karen is dealing with some major crap from these past few days.

First off, Sky went out of town for a family reunion, and that's when things got weird.

I went to Peach Days with Sky's best friend so I could have someone to hang out with and he could enjoy some female company. The night ended weird. I don't really want to talk about the events of that night, but just trust me when I say it ended weird. We're still dealing with the weirdness.

Later that night Sky and I had a really important conversation, and I felt closer to him than I'd ever felt to anyone.

He came back today and we got to spend some time together. Unfortunately we weren't alone. I never feel like we get to be alone. It sucks. The night consisted of awkward glances at Sky's friend while trying to be close to my man. He's been sick, so that marks day nine with no goodnight kiss.

After telling him my exciting news (announcing I was ready to start Karate) and talking a little bit more we said our good nights to one another, I called after him and said four words I can't take back.

"I love you, Skyler."

He turned around and just said "Wow."

He later texted me and said it was a good thing, and that he never expected to hear that from a girl, but not before I had a complete panic attack in my Subaru on the way home.

Sky's friend then texted me and asked me if I was sure I was happy with Sky.

I think I am, but sometimes I feel like I wish there was more. More alone time. More of a partnership. More...openness with me. I feel like he's afraid to let go and love me back. It's been an agonizing process to open myself up to someone and let them see me. My insecurity, my pain, my scars, everything I hide from everyone else. I let him see all of me, and all I want is the same thing. I want him to let go and free fall with me into this vast unknown space called love.

Anyway, I'm getting mushy.

Keep it real readers.

Coming To Terms

After spilling the information that my mother insisted was a potential dealbreaker to Sky, I'm happy to announce I'm still in a relationship.

The last week or so has been very introspective for me. I've been dealing with issues in the past that I've been struggling to let go of, and it's been very therapeutic for me. Since I've been having a lot more free time than I've usually had lately, I spent a lot of that time doing things for me that I needed to do, like catching up on my TiVo and cleaning my room, as well as sorting out issues in my life that need to be dealt with before I move forward.

The big one was coming to terms with the fact that someone who was supposed to love me my whole life and help take care of me and support me growing up has never loved me. She instead used every opportunity she had to ruin my self-esteem and drive me to self-destructive and potentially dangerous behavior. Something I've been struggling to come back from and forgive myself for now that I'm older and wiser. Because of her I struggle with basic relationship necessities like trust among other things. However, I can take solace in the fact that I never have to see her again, and furthermore, she'll be dead soon.

Another thing I've been struggling to come to terms with is a new feeling in my life I don't think I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing in my own life. Love. Real, serious, hardcore love for someone outside of my family. That "I want to marry you" love.

I feel it. I feel it when I look at him, when I talk to him, when I think about him, all the time.

It's a hard thing to admit to myself after believing for so long that I was never going to find it, but I'm working on it.

I just don't want to say it first.

Keep it real readers.

Two Months Ago Today

Well readers, today markes the two-month anniversary of dating my man. Unfortunately I don't think there will be much celebrating. He's been sick the past few days and today is jam-packed full of stuff I have to do, including two job interviews and work on top of my normal school day.

Sarcastic yay time. Yay.

On top of that he's going to a family reunion tomorrow, and he'll be gone through the weekend, so this is just going to pass by with little recognition, and truth be told, I can live with that. I'm much too tired today to really care. At three months I'll expect a little fanfare, but that's mostly because three months is a bit of a milestone. That's a quarter of a year. Honestly one month was huge for me.

However, before things get too serious I'm going to have to tell him something that may or may not be a dealbreaker for him, so who knows, next post I could be single. We'll see.

I hope it's not.

Keep it real readers.