Facing The New Year

Well, tomorrow will round out the end of our first week of being engaged.

Today I went to Tai Pan Trading with my mother, and while I promised myself I wasn't going to start planning anything until next week (basically just starting the guest list), I suddenly felt the wedding wheels turning, and looking at possibilities for decorations and centerpieces began to make me feel overwhelmed and agitated.  I started sweating, and feeling like I had bitten off a lot more than I could ever chew, and I have a really big mouth.

Long story short, I had a mini freak out in the middle of a wholesale home decor store, and promptly had to leave.

Driving home I felt like I was suffocating as I was navigating through the torrential rain.  Am I ready for this?  Do I want to get married?  Am I sure I'm right about all of this?  How am I going to pull this off?

All valid concerns.  They bubbled up off and on all afternoon.  Finally I just had to take off my ring because it suddenly felt like it weighed a ton.  It's currently sitting right next to my computer.  Mocking me with its adorableness and sparkle.  Sitting there.  A symbol of the man I love's love for me.  A symbol of my future as a wife.  A symbol of.....my loss of control over the situation.

It's shining proof that there is one person in this world who I have not managed to keep at arm's length.  I let him in.  I let him see me for what I am, and now when I'm with him I feel naked.  He's trying to make me feel safe, and I know he loves me, but that insecurity hasn't gone away.  It's still there, and I'm trusting him to protect me.

It's terrifying to feel like this.  Precarious, exposed, daunted.

I'm going to swallow all of this down though.  Starting January 1, I'm going to just plug away, and I'm going to figure this out.  I'm going to start planning my wedding.  Our wedding, and I'm going to do masterfully well.  I will marry the love of my life in May, and we are going to begin our life together.

I just have to tell the little broken girl in my head to shut up and stop worrying.

To 2011.  May I be a much stronger, better me.

Keep it real readers.