I Still Can't Believe It

Well, we're rounding out three and a half months, and still going strong. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was pretty excited about that. He officially knows all my important secrets, and I hope I know all of his.

I never imagined that I would feel this way about another human being.

No relationship is perfect though. But I'm OK with our little corner of imperfection. I find any excuse to shut down when Sky confronts me with a problem. But he makes it so easy for me to do that when he insists on having serious conversations over text rather than face-to-face. Neither of us like heavy conversations, so I guess we have our own ways of avoiding them. We're working on it though.

I see pictures of a girl he was involved with about a year ago, and a video he made for her explaining his feelings he had for her at the time, and I can't help but feel like a bit of a failure in his eyes. She's beautiful. Logically, I know that I more than likely have nothing to worry about. She's with someone else now, and she's married with a baby on the way, and he's largely over her, and I know he's mentioned he just needs to get around to deleting them, but it doesn't change the fact that we've been together for a while and he still has them. The other night I just sat and stared at my hands when they popped up while he was looking through his photos on his computer.

When he talks about her I want to revert to weird habits I used as a teenager to deal with stress and low self-esteem, but I save up the fear and the insecurity that bubbles up until I get in my car or make it all the way home to let loose. (No, I'm not going to divulge what it is. But don't worry, it's not cutting. Blood is just too messy.)

I'm working on getting up the nerve to say something. I promise I am. By the end of the week I will have taken care of it. I was actually going to say something today, but he jilted me for homework, and I ate a chunk of cheese the size of my hand followed by a huge spoonful of fudge and felt like a failure while watching Law & Order: SVU.

Then I watched a documentary about eating disorders and had a flashback to when I was 16.

This is the worst week of the month for me. Can't wait till next week.

I love Sky, I really do, and I know he loves me. I just had a whole bunch of crazy, PMS-tacular insecurity to get off my chest so I don't stew about it all night.

Keep it real readers.