New Year, New Challenges

Readers, as always, It has been too long.  However, I think three months isn't as bad as some of my other gaps in bloggery, but nonetheless I really need to step up.

November was great.  Thanksgiving was delicious, and I had three of them.  Well, we did.  Christmas was awesome, I was completely spoiled beyond words, and I spoiled Sky back.  I got in an argument with my mom that lasted a few days, so basically yeah, it was a holiday.

The week after Christmas always makes me a little blue.  It has as long as I can remember.  As a kid, it meant Christmas was over and I would be returning to school soon, so the remaining days of vacation always felt a little hollow after that blessed day.  As I got older, the hollowness took on a different tone.  Instead of dreading school back in session, where I would show off my latest score of new clothes and gadgetry, I was becoming acutely aware of the passage of time.  I was getting older, and those precious days that I had left of my life were diminishing slowly.  What was I doing with this time?  What was I doing with my life?  Was I doing anything worth while?  Did I do anything worth a damn this past year?

It is a pensive time for me, this week after Christmas.  I also get it the week after my birthday, but that post will come in June.  After feeling sorry for myself for not "living" the way I had hoped to (traveling, meeting new people, doing something that makes a difference, volunteer more, accomplish a huge goal, yada yada yada), I finally, around December 30th, get this newfound feeling of hope for the upcoming year.  I promise myself that I will at least take one trip that is purely for fun or to see someone that I care about that I don't see enough, or I will find a new goal and accomplish it, or I will lose 50 pounds, or I will join a cause and make a difference.

This year is black belt year.  I am being evaluated for my final review next month, and dammit, I am scared as hell.  Do I know my material?  Yes, mostly.  Can I handle the physical strain of the test?  I like to think I can, but I should really work on my cardio endurance.

Then what am I so afraid of?  I am working almost every night on something, whether it be techniques, knowledge, or just doing sit-ups in my jammies, I am doing something.  I am becoming stronger every day.

But something inside me keeps telling me I suck.

I had a long, serious talk with Sky about it last night, and I have found this new fight inside me.

I don't suck.  I may be chunky and kinda wobbly, but I don't suck.  I have to keep reminding myself of this, and I will as long as I need to.

I have started counting my calories every day with the help of an app on my phone.  Because of that, I have lost four pounds since the first of the year.  It's not much, but it's progress, and progress is progress.

Sky and I are also planning on starting a new self-defense class.  As someone who has been sexually assaulted as a teenager, and having such shitty self-esteem that I have let others take advantage of me a number of times, I am deeply passionate about self-defense.  I feel like everyone should have a basic knowledge of it, and hopefully they will never have to use it, but they will feel empowered to never let themselves be victims at the hands of another person.

So this is my year ahead.  Get my black belt, go to my cousin's wedding, teach self-defense, and take better care of my health.  I think I have covered all my bases.  Hell, maybe I will feel so good about my progress I will decide it's time to make a baby.  Maybe.

Anyway, keep it real readers.