Such A Lucky Girl

Sometimes I'm such a girl.  And not in a good way.

PMS has reared its ugly head once again, and I hate what it does to me.  I feel fat and ugly and pimply and my boobs hurt and all of that makes me so unpleasant.  I get mad and annoyed at every turn, and there's just no satisfying the beast.

That was the reason for the last blog.  I was feeling the beginning of the horrible beast starting to pop up.  The next day my pants felt tighter, and I knew what was happening.

Anyway, back to the title of my blog.  I'm such an unbelievably lucky girl.  Sky loves me so much, and honestly I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing man in my life.  He's so patient with me, and so good to me.  I try so hard to be the girl he deserves to have.  I look at him in awe sometimes, and sometimes with complete adoration.  I'm so in love with that man. 

Enough with the gush fest.

Keep it real readers.

Feeling like number four

Well, I had pretty high hopes for today.  I was hoping that the Jazz would win, because Sky mentioned that it would bode well for me in the affection department.

Anyway, the day started fairly well.  I woke up at a decent time, I got paid, I got to have lunch with Robert, I visited my mom at work, and I got quite a bit of homework done.

However, that's when the day started to, as they say, suck.

My mom and I had decided to see a matinee, and we settled on True Grit, since it was nominated for best picture and all, we figured it had to be good.

Not so readers.  Robert had talked it up for weeks, saying it was amazing and well done and all that and a bag of chips, but frankly, I was underwhelmed.  Halfway through I almost fell asleep, but I figured I owed it to my six dollars to stay awake.  

Then the day got better.  We got home and had our traditional Friday night pizza night, and after that my family and I gathered around in the living room and watched RED.  It was funny, and action-packed.  I was really enjoying it, and I got about 2/3 of the way through it before I got the text from my man, asking me to come over.  I fluffed my hair, put on socks and shoes, and headed over.  I was so excited when I arrived and saw that the Jazz were up and it was the fourth quarter.

Then I turned to take my rightful place next to Sky, but was dismayed when I saw that sitting, no, laying in my place was his dog, and on the other side of the dog was Sky's friend Dason.

So Karen sat on the floor.  Then the game, which we won, ended, and he pushed his dog on the floor.

"Yay!  I get to sit by my man now!"  I thought.  Once again, not so readers.  He stood up, and we all went in the kitchen.  Why?  To play a game with his parents.  Two rounds later, and he and Dason disappeared in the basement to watch yet another sporting event, while I stayed in the kitchen and talked to his mom, who, on a side note, wants me to call her "Mom."  I just don't think I can do that.  I have one mom in my life.  The one who gave birth to me.  I love her, and it takes a lot for me to use that title for anyone else.

Anyway, then he came upstairs, and announced it was time to go home.  I hardly got any affection when we said goodnight, and I came home with a scowl on my face.

So yeah.  I'm mad tonight.  I'm mad because for the first time in a long time, he didn't care at all about me or my feelings.  He's actually upset at me because I told him I was disappointed.

I can't help it if I actually felt the gravity of being number 4 on his list of priorities tonight.  I've never been this low on the list.  I'm used to being number 2, behind karate or homework or basketball or his parents, and sometimes I'm number 3 behind two of those other things.  I think maybe in the course of our relationship I've been number 1 maybe three times.

Maybe I should make him a lower priority on my list too.  Hmmm...

Well readers, keep it real.

My Newest Exploit

I never knew time could move so slowly.

Anyway readers, I recently visited with my doctor, and had to have my meds adjusted again.  Blah.  I hate adapting to a new antidepressant.  It takes days before I really feel like myself again, and frankly I just don't have the time for this again.  Unfortunately, it has to happen.  I was feeling like a zombie.  My range of emotion had become almost non-existent, and forcing myself to be exuberant was exhausting.

Luckily, I'm going to be back on my old drug, accompanied by a new one that should be very beneficial.  Along with that, I inquired about a common metabolism boosting drug that has been known to aid weight loss.  I've never been one to base my self-worth on a number I see on the scale, but with my wedding coming up, I want to look my best, and furthermore, I ordered my dress a size too small.

I have been exercising and eating better, but progress has been slow.  With this new medication, I could see noticeable results in a month.

However, as a bit of an experiment, I'm going to keep wearing layers, along with baggier clothes for the next little while so that Skyler won't notice.  I have been toying with the idea of actually trying to make myself look heavier, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Anyway, I've already started to lose weight, and I have so much more energy than I used to.  This is pretty awesome.

The only catch is I have to visit my doctor monthly so they can monitor my progress.  I hate the doctor.

Oh well.  Small price to pay.

Wedding planning is going good.  Cake consult this Thursday.

Keep it real readers.

Such Progress

Well readers, this past week has been, in a word, productive.

Skyler and I booked our photographer, he got measured for his tuxedo, I ordered my shoes and dress, we booked our reception venue, which is also taking care of our flowers, so that's a two-birds-one-stone situation.  The venue is BEAUTIFUL.  I can't even believe I will be celebrating my wedding in such an amazing place.

On top of all of that, we set up all three of our registries, tested furniture, and looked at potential engagement photo outfits.

Like I said.  Productive.

This week we're taking photos of our cake and getting quotes.  I was all for a styrofoam cake, but my dad has insisted we have a real cake.  No worries.  We'll figure it out.

Everything is coming together so much better than I could have ever dreamed.  My mom is finally happy for us, and she's actually getting excited.  Moreso, my grandma has been spreading the word among the family, and now my family is excited that I'm getting married.  I think it's because I'm doing it the right way.  The honorable way.

Life is good.  Nay, life is great.

Keep it real readers.

Let The Planning....COMMENCE!

Readers, I've taken to wedding planning like a duck to water.

I have to admit, I was pretty freaked out at the prospect of planning an entire wedding, and there were a few hiccups in the plan when I started, but yesterday we booked our photographer, tomorrow we're booking our reception venue and starting our registry, and today Skyler got measured for his tux.  I've picked out my dress, my shoes, my bridesmaids' dresses and shoes, and now those just need to be ordered.  I'm ordering my shoes already so I'll have them in time for engagement photos.  They're specially made so they'll take a month to get here.

Next week Sky and I are going to go around and get quotes for our cake.  With how smoothly this week has turned out, I'm actually getting excited.

Someone told me we're planning everything "so soon."  I told them the sooner everything is booked and squared away, the sooner I can just relax and focus on the little things, like getting my nails done, picking out jewelry, and looking forward to spending the rest of my life with my best friend.

Everywhere else in the world people book wedding-related things a year in advance.  I'm getting married four months from yesterday, and frankly, I have no problem spending the last month of my engagement knowing everything, more or less, is being taken care of.

I think now that I realize everything is going to be just fine, I can finally relax into this and be excited for the future. :)

Hooray!

Keep it real readers.

So Much To Do

There is so much to be done readers.

First of all, my room is a total mess.  It looks like a bomb went off in there, and since it's a small room to begin with it's pretty awful.

Tomorrow is the first day of school, and I'm hoping to sign up for an institute class this semester.  Preferably preparing for an eternal marriage.  I figure that would be the most useful given my current situation.

To add to everything else, I still have an entire wedding to plan.  Plus I have two dress sizes to shrink, and work towards my next belt in karate.

Yep, I got my orange belt on Friday, and my body still hurts.  Haha.

Life is good, however I have a long road ahead of me before May.

In the mean time, keep it real readers.

First Blog of 2011

Well readers, it's been a crazy week.

I worked 30 hours last week, and around all of that I managed to freak out about being engaged three times, hardly sleep, and find an amazing wedding dress.

The night before New Year's Eve Skyler and I got into a huge fight, and then he said something that seriously hurt my feelings.  Like, low blow hurt my feelings.  I bid him goodnight and went to bed, almost too angry to sleep, and certainly too angry to cry.  An hour later he texted me to apologize, telling me he loved me so much and that he can feel the adversary trying to come between us, but that just means our marriage is going to be "EPIC" (his words) and he can't wait to ring in the new year together.

I knew he meant what he said, but I also knew he meant what he said that hurt me so badly.  I eventually fell asleep, but I was wracked with horrible dreams and troubling feelings.  I was so hurt, and so upset.  I actually took off my ring and left it across the room from me.  I almost left it home when I had to work the next morning, but I was afraid of raising questions so I just grudgingly slid it on my hand and grinned and bore it.

It took me the better part of the day to finally text him back.  By then he had resigned to spending New Year's with his parents and listening to an audiobook.  I have to admit I smiled at the prospect of him having a lame night because he said something hurtful and drove me away.  I did eventually make plans with him that afternoon, and that night we got together with a couple of friends of ours.

I kept my coat on the better part of the night.  I felt so self conscious.  I couldn't hardly bring myself to look him in the eye.  I just kept looking out the window out into the night as we drove around, feeling the pain of those words still cutting me.

He kept confiding little secrets in me, laughing and carrying on, telling me how he initially planned to ask me to marry him, holding my hand, telling me little jokes, all while we were walking around First Night and freezing our butts off, and later at Denny's when we were warming up with some Hot Chocolate.

I eventually relaxed enough that I could spare a glance or two at him, and by the end of the night we were having a great time.  He even called me Mrs. Gubler.  It felt weird to hear him say that, but it was a good weird.  It was sweet.

We had a decent few days together, but he didn't want to hang out with me tonight.  I'm sort of glad too.  I just wanted a day where I wouldn't have to look in his eyes and see the "I love you, but..." in them.  I didn't want to feel his hands touch me.  Not tonight.  I didn't want to feel his lips kiss me, wondering what he was thinking when he closed his eyes and pulled me close to him.

I haven't forgiven him.  Not yet.

I'm going to figure it out, and we're going to make it, but right now, I'm still hurt.

Keep it real readers.