Sometimes I'm Scared of You

When it comes to matters of the heart, I've always considered myself a cautious person. I've always kept at least one foot on the ground in every relationship I've had, and concerning everyone I've dated.

Why?

Because when I was a little girl I promised myself that I would only really fall in love one time, and I was going to make sure that I was sure about it. It was going to be the product of prayer and faith and lots and lots of thought. I wanted to be one of those women who was in love with one man their entire lives. That was going to be me. I was going to give my heart away once, and I was going to make it count. Unfortunately, life dealt me a rough hand for a few years when I was a teenager that made actually letting myself fall for someone a lot more difficult.

However, since being with Sky, it's been harder and harder to keep that foot on the ground. I'm terrified that I'm going to leave the ground completely, only to feel it rushing back to meet me. In the face. I'm afraid of being wrong, and I'm more afraid of what I don't know.

My heart feels like it's getting ready to let go of the ground completely, and blindly just let the open air play with my hair and caress my face. My mind is crippled by echoes of the past that have left me emotionally scarred and bruised, and it is trying desperately to cling to the earth as long as possible.

Who will win in this epic battle between faith and fear?

Only time will tell.

Pray for me readers, and keep it real.

Catching Up With Myself

I was skimming through my old blogs in an effort to walk down good ol' memory lane, when I came across one called "Way Back To OK" that I posted this past January, and I was cursing my singlehood. I would be lying if I said it didn't make my chuckle just a little. I wrote that I knew it was only a matter of time before I found the right person and all of these trivial crushes and awkward dates wouldn't mean anything.

I never thought I'd be eating those words so soon. I thought it would be years before I found someone who would turn my whole world upside down. Less than six months later I started dating Skyler. The Yin to my Yang. The Spoon to my Ice Cream. The Cheese to my Macaroni.

I've honestly never met anyone like him. I'm so lucky.

I know my blogs have recently turned into a gush fest about my man, but I can't help it. :)

Keep it real readers.

First Day Back....ish

Well, today was my first day of class...at Dixie.

I have to admit the day did not start well. I couldn't bring myself to wake up after a terrible night's sleep, and once I arrived on campus with my older brother in tow it didn't get much better. I missed my class due to waking up too late, so I decided to head to the bookstore to check on the price of my books. I reached the top of the stairs and started to walk toward the entrance when I spotted someone I was hoping to leave long in my past. I hoped to never see this person for the rest of my natural life. I promptly turned around and headed in the opposite direction as fast as possible.

I struggled through the hordes of people desperately trying to pay for classes and get questions answered and running into people they haven't seen all summer, trying to stave off the panic attack rising in my chest. I made it all the way to the library, stumbled up the stairs, and found a secluded corner with a chair where I collapsed and tried to compose myself.

I sat there for at least 20 minutes, feeling ridiculous and like a failure, having missed my class, re-enrolled at the school I graduated from already, and moreso struggling to compose myself. What an excellent morning. (Imagine that phrase dripping with sarcasm.)

The rest of the day was very productive. I filled out 10 job applications, eight of which I plan to turn in tomorrow between my classes.

The only thing that would have made the second half of the day better is if I got to spend a little time with my awesome boyfriend, but he's being an awesome friend to someone who needs him a little more than me tonight, and he'll be all mine tomorrow. YAY!!!

Keep it real readers.

I Am Beyond Blessed.

Readers, I have to say I haven't felt this good about my life in a long time. I have great friends who love me and teach me so much, great family who keep me grounded, an amazing boyfriend who likes me for exactly who and what I am, even when my geek shows, and I am happy.

Although I have been complaining a little about starting school next week, I have to say the thought of conquering calculus next semester is rather thrilling. I look forward to the challenge it brings, and I also look forward to setting foot on good ol' Dixie soil again. I love SUU, and I do intend to return to finish my BS there, but I feel like being here is what I need to do, and life since I made that decision has improved exponentially, so I know I'm doing the right thing. I'm making new friends, I'm reconnecting with old ones, and I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

I'm so excited for Robbie to come home! I haven't seen my big brother all summer, and his last day in Minnesota is Thursday. He'll be just in time for classes, and I am so glad to have my school buddy back. Without him I don't think I'd ever go to school. I'm a terrible self-starter.

At any rate, life is good, God is good, and He loves me.

Keep it real readers.

Uncharted Territory

Well readers, yesterday marked six weeks. Six weeks of dating my redhead kid. To be perfectly honest I'm surprised it lasted this long. I haven't driven him away with my crazy or sabotaged the relationship, and even in the beginning with my freak outs he stayed with me.

We are officially in uncharted territory. I've never lasted this long with someone I actually saw on a regular basis. But now that the new relationship smell is starting to wear off, and the fuzz is starting to wear thin, my anxiety is starting to creep in.

I know I really shouldn't worry. I know he cares about me, and we like each other a lot, but a little bit of my baggage starts to rear its ugly head, and unfortunately he doesn't know about it yet, so I can't tell him that my insecurities are starting to work their way into my happiness with him.

All that aside, he's a wonderful guy. He's sweet and thoughtful, and does some of the corniest, cutest things I've ever seen anyone do for another person. He does them for me.

I'm just taking every day we have and seeing it as a blessing. I really am lucky.

Keep it real readers.